


At the Gates of Nostalgia

by Bettycrocker100piecebakingset



Series: BlackWatch Adventures [1]
Category: Islands (Band), Overwatch (Video Game), That Guy with the Glasses/Channel Awesome, The Unicorns (Band)
Genre: Bean chips, Cults, Found Family, Gen, Heaven's Gate, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-08 04:32:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17379623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bettycrocker100piecebakingset/pseuds/Bettycrocker100piecebakingset
Summary: How do you run from a past that determines your future?In his misbegotten youth, Jesse McCree joined the Channel Awesome cult, hoping for the salvation they promised their members. However, when cult leader Doug Walker takes the organization in a different direction, McCree questions his loyalties and cuts ties in time to avoid the Nostalgia Reckoning of 2054.It’s 2076, he works for the good guys and he’s setting things right in Italy with the Blackwatch Corporation. But soon enough, he realizes you don’t just walk away from The Walker. Under the hot Venice sun, McCree and his newfound family must either meet their maker or become the next savior.





	1. Ghost Pool

Reyes closed the supply hatch with a loud click and took one last look around the base. The air felt different. He wasn’t sure how he felt about this op in Italy, but in the end they didn’t have a say in their jobs these days. Antonio’s crime ring in Venice only worsened the already dire political climate around the globe, and Blackwatch had to put a stop to it one way or another. 

McCree nodded at him as he finally boarded, lighting his cigar despite the signs posted on the inner walls. A sigh escaped his lips and the spiraling smoke rode slowly off it. The van started with a sputter before taking off, and slowly the image of the Swedish base disappeared in the hazy skyline.

“Did _he_ sanction this little escapade you have planned?” he asked, already knowing the answer. 

“Would he be chasing the van if he did?” They all turned in their seats to watch out their respective windows and spotted Commander Morrison hauling ass at a rate they were scared he would catch up to the speeding van. “I’m sure he’ll give up eventually,” he gave one last worried glance and laughed, “Unless he wants to join us for lunch later with Antonio,”

Moira smiled contentedly, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. Her voice was low and serious as she spoke, “Do you happen to have a plan for when we reach Venice, Reyes?” 

Reyes smiled. “Eh, not really.” If looks could kill, Genji’s glare would have turned him into dust. 

“You promised you had a plan 2 hours ago in the debriefing, Commander,” he spat, preparing to jump out of his seat. 

“I wouldn’t call whatever we had a debriefing,” McCree cut in, though stopped when Genji’s potentional wrath was now directed at him. 

“I would.” Reyes smiled.

“Rehearsing the entire soundtrack to ‘Mamma Mia’ while showing us pictures of Venice doesn’t really qualify as a debriefing,” Moira rolled her eyes, but thought foundly about how fun the performance was. Reyes really had a good set of pipes, and it was a waste that he was here in Blackwatch and killing people that Morrison didn’t like because they kinned the same character that he did. 

“The debriefing doesn’t actually matter, guys,” Reyes shuffled around in his seat to pull out a bag of Applewhite’s Bean Crisps, Genji’s eyes lighting up when Reyes displayed the small bag to the two sitting in the back. “It was just a front so I could reach the secret snack stash I keep specifically in the debriefing room. It’s usually meant for when I have to sit there and listen to Morrison’s weekly speeches on why you shouldn't feed bread to little duckies, because he always goes on and on about how he got chased by 3 geese. He thinks the geese were actually sexy women that wanted him to turn them back to humans. Do you guys understand how irritating that becomes the 4000th time around? Anyway-”

The bag opened with a loud quacking sound. He paused for a considerably long time. He wasn’t the one who opened it. Moira grabbed it. She pulled tape from the glove compartment and tried hastily to tape it back.

Reyes watched her uncomfortably, instead of the road.

Moira let out a pained smile while she struggled with the crisps. “I just don’t want a spirit to exit the bag… It seems possessed.”

In the backseat, Genji’s ferocious claws scratched up Reyes’ chair. McCree turned so slowly towards him it took him ten whole minutes. The fear in his eyes was evident, he looked ready to bolt out of the moving vehicle. Genji had left nothing but the bones of the chair. Reyes didn’t notice at all. 

McCree whispered, “Genji… could you, not that do that? In the future?” He tried to reason with him in his chip-deprived state.

##  **“I just want those chips.”**

Miora managed to tape up the bag and shoved the crisps inside the glove compartment. Clearing her throat nervously, she started, “It’s a mere precaution. Besides, if a ghost were inside the bag, it would most likely go for the individual with the most misaligned chakras.” As if remembering that her own chakras were perfectly intact, she smiled smugly and peeked at McCree in the seat behind her. “I hope you’ve brought your anti-ghost boots.”

“Har-dee-har,” McCree huffed on his cigarette. “You know I’ve always got my anti-ghost boots on.” 

“Just. Give me the damn crisps,” Genji growled, stretching over the seats to try and reach the glove box, which ominously rattled. “If I don’t get my beanage, I’m seriously going to lose my mind.”

Reyes swatted Genji away and vaporized his fingers with his Blackwatch-patented laser beam eyes. Crying softly, Genji returned to his seat and brought out his knife, drawing family pictures of Blackwatch inside the seat covers. McCree trembled. The rest of the car ride was in complete silence.

At the very first gas station they passed, Reyes stopped the car. They had a full tank of gas, but he still asked McCree to fill it up. As he exited the car, he turned to admire their bumper sticker for a moment. _The General Surgeon didn’t warn you about me SMOKIN’ your ASS_. He waltzed into the convenience store at the station with a soft chuckle. Genji managed to grab the chip bag while he was inside the gas station and the other two were distracted by several birds fighting over a french fry on the sidewalk. It was ripped to shreds with his sharp teeth, and he quickly devoured the tasty crisps inside. 

Reyes tried to resist his deep carnal urge to purchase every bag of chocolate-covered pretzels in the store. He would just take a piss, then they’d get out of there. Something in the area, especially as the commander advanced to the bathroom, seemed off. It wasn’t just a feeling of unbalance, it almost sent chills down his spine. Nothing necessarily _looked_ evil. Reyes cautiously observed the cashier, who smiled at him in that smile that cashiers always give. It didn’t appear like anything was going on, other than inside his mind.

Still alert, the bathroom door opened. Reyes ignored that he hadn’t been the one to open it and stepped inside. He breathed a sigh of relief as the restroom was ordinary too. All of his initial wariness could just be attributed to paranoia, or stress. Maybe just anxiety. He wondered if he would have to take Xanax again.

The stalls were nearly spotless. When Reyes was finished he noticed something. Or rather, someone. There was a man standing by a urinal. It was weird to stare, but something wasn’t right. This man’s body was too still to be normal. Was he in shock? That feeling from before returned, almost as if on full-blast. This wasn’t right. Instead of leaving, Reyes turned away and washed his hands. He thought the sound would elicit a twitch of life from the person beside him. Reyes had to wonder how he hadn’t seen the man before. There had been no indications the man was even alive. 

The sound of the automatic hand-dryer didn’t make the man turn. Reyes was terrified. Partially for himself, but then also for this guy. Was he okay? Reyes figured if he was in shock then it’d be better for him to intervene than just leave him there. Right? Maybe he could just tell the cashier. As he looked up at himself in the mirror his gaze met with the other man’s, and he froze in place. 

A wide, wild grin was plastered to his face, and his eyes were those of a feral beast in the jungle. There he stared at Reyes- unmoving, unblinking, and utterly terrifying. Reyes left before he could finish drying his soaked hands, and ignored the concerned call of the cashier as he bolted from the establishment.

“McCree, stop filling the car we have to go,” he was frantic, he felt like prey being hunted for sport with nowhere to hide.

“Sir? What’s wrong? I haven’t even left my chair and the- the tank is already...” 

Reyes wasn’t listening, he was scrambling into his seat and trying to rev the engine. In the rear view mirror, he swore he saw the same man standing outside the doors of the store. And he was smiling.

“Fuck... _FUCK_!” Reyes was near tears and the party looked on with concern. The keys tumbled out of his shaking hands and slipped under his seat. In his panic to retrieve them the whole van shook as though enduring an earthquake. For short moments he could only feel the blood rushing through his body, and when he came to he was trying to put the keys in again. Finally, the engine started successfully and he swerved out of the parking lot, hitting several trash cans on the way out and nearly rear ending another car on the highway. 

“Commander, if this is about me stealing the bean chips, I’m sorry,” Genji began crying. “If you want to turn around, we can go into the snack store and get another bag.”

“ _No_ , we are _not_ going back there!” Reyes howled.

Moira looked on in shock. “Wh..what’s wrong?” She tried to not smile like the drama-hungry butch queen she was. “Did the ghost escape the bag and give you a fright, Gabe?”

“You guys don’t understand. You don’t know what I saw.” Reyes paused. “You don’t want to know what I saw.”

McCree’s eyes darkened and he looked somewhere distant, “What- or rather… _Who_ did you see?” 

It seemed like Genji hadn’t heard McCree. “Of course we want to know what you saw! We’re your friends and fellow Blackwatch members.” He smiled warmly as he finished eating the bean chip crumbs.

As usual, Reyes ignored Genji. “It was… this man. I can’t explain it…” He looked like he was about to start crying. “At first, I thought he was like, standing up sleeping or something. But no, he was all too awake.”

“What?” Moira accidentally broke the glove compartment. “What did this man look like?”

“He had this hat on. And a tie. A horrible, terrible red tie. He… didn’t look human. But, something about him made me feel... _nostalgic_.”

McCree blanched and had to grab the door handle to steady himself. His breathing became hoarse and shallow. “Reyes…” he rasped as though dying, “Did this man...did he have a receding hairline?” The memories came all at once like a tsunami wave crashing into his consciousness. _I remember so you don’t have to! I remember so you don’t have to! I remember so you d-_

Reyes pulled over, the Blackwatch Jeep (actually a van), came to a screeching halt given how sporadically he stopped it. Slowly the commander turned towards McCree, whose eyes looked wet with tears.

“Hey, why’d we pull over?” Genji hadn’t been paying attention at all.

“He… he did have a receding hairline,” Reyes said, in almost a whisper.

Moira was the only one in the Jeep who acknowledged Genji’s blatant insanity. She tried to focus on McCree. The man looked worn out, like the pages of an old book. Her incredible psychological knowledge told her he was recalling something heavy. 

“Doug Walker,” was all he said at first. And he paused for a great deal of time. The words hung heavy in the stale air as if they were a guillotine, waiting to behead their victim. With a shaky breath, and a reassuring look from Reyes and Moira, he continued. 

“It was Spring, 2054, I was young and stupid and needed a way out of the mess I had gotten myself into,” He shook his head and forced a laugh, “I’ll spare you the details, but I ended up in… his cult,”

Reyes’s eyebrows rose in shock, “That man is a cult leader?”

McCree took a long drag and watched the sun dip below the distant mountains, "He did have a cult," Reyes leaned forward on his knees, observing the way McCree's fingers seemed to tremble. "Channel Awesome, it was called," The memory was still clear in his head, as though it had only been yesterday he left Channel Awesome.

_“You said we wouldn’t have to die, Walker!” McCree fumed. He was sitting adjacent to Doug, curled in on himself with his head in his hands. “Why are you doing this?”_

_The Walker clicked his tongue and stood promptly, his tone was mocking and cruel, “You just don’t get it, do you,” a wicked smile crossed his face. McCree looked up in time for the blunt force of his nostalgic fist in McCree’s face. “I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and I remember it, so you don’t have to.”_

_“I won’t remember it,” McCree declared. He balled his fists, holding back his tears. “As soon as I walk through that door, I’ll forget all about you. And Garfield.”_

_Doug merely laughed. “You’ll see in due time. You can’t forget about me. You’ll always remember. That’s what it’s like when you’re Nostalgic!”_

_McCree was already shuffling through the doorway at that time. The Walker’s cackles echoed down the hall as the cowboy brushed past numerous people. Some he knew, some he didn’t - and all their faces blurred into one in the same._

Everyone in the van took a deep breath. McCree shook in his seat. “He wanted all participants in the Nostalgia Critic Fanclub, and followers of Channel Awesome to…” Genji offered him a crumb of a bean chip to ease his anguish before promptly taking it back. “Well, you see. I guess we need to go back more.”

Reyes watched him carefully. “What do you mean?”

“Channel Awesome was founded on the belief that the power of nostalgia was present in extraterrestrial beings. If you were exceptionally nostalgic, you had to be an all-powerful alien. My alien name at this time was Gllric.” Genji laughed absentmindedly at this development to McCree’s story. “I loved Garfield, I loved all those old classics. I felt like my true home planet was OGLE-2005-BLG-390Lb, or the coldest known planet in the universe. Doug made me feel whole, like I had a purpose. I didn’t know who I was if I didn’t have Channel Awesome.”

“Wait, then what did Doug want you all to do?” Moira prompted, with great concern.

“How did you leave?” Reyes asked.

“Where do I throw out this bag?” Genji shook the empty chip bag around.

McCree inhaled shakily. He studied them all with eyes that felt heavier than the 10-ton collection of Garfield memorabilia he remembered showing off to Doug before he realized what he was getting into. “I left as soon I figured out what Doug’s plans were truly. He’s a goddamn psychopath. He doesn’t give a shit who you are or what you do. In fact, I don’t know how much he cared about feeling nostalgic,” McCree stifled his rage, but his voice still shook. “He wanted all of us to end our lives on the 70th anniversary of his Garfield the Movie review,” The tears finally flowed freely, “I can still remember the look on O.D.’s face…” He roughly wiped them from his cheeks. 

“But it doesn’t matter now, the cult is defunct, The Walker is dead, and we have bigger fish to fry- Antonio,”

Everyone felt weighed down by the ensuing silence, interrupted only by Reyes hesitantly starting the engine again and continuing en route to Venice and the soft crinkles of Genji shoving the bean crisp bag between the seat cushions. Reyes coughed awkwardly and addressed the group as steadily as he could manage.

“Well, it’ll be a long drive. Why don’t you guys get some rest?”


	2. Meg from Hercules

The low sound of classic 10s synth pop played as Moira drove down the road. She was happy to be awake in complete and total silence, but also felt privately lonely. Once he was off his driving shift and allowed to rest, Reyes could not be awakened even if she tried. One quick glance at McCree and he bolted awake.

“Good morning,” she smiled as if she had not just summoned him to consciousness. “Or, rather, evening.”

McCree took a moment to register his surroundings. They were still in the Jeep. Genji was curled up in a ball in the seat next to him. In his sleep, Reyes mumbled, “No, they are not 3 sexy women, they’re geese, dumbass”.

“Moira, what do you think of us not having any plans?” he asked, unintentionally crinkling the chip bag squished in between the seats. He held his breath as Genji’s natural fight or flight instinct about bean crisps almost woke him up, but he stayed safely asleep. Letting out a relieved sigh, McCree waited patiently for Moira’s response.

“Oh, it’s just awful.” She looked at the steering wheel then glanced back at Genji, “If only we could all be conscious to discuss it,” Moira honked the car horn and Genji shifted from his slumber begrudgingly. “If you have _any_ ideas, I’d be delighted to hear them.”

She then switched the radio station to country, immediately waking up Reyes. “Turn it off,” he said tiredly. She evilly remained on this station.

McCree absently scratched at his chin. Going in without a plan was essentially Blackwatch’s style, but something about this whole operation was putting him on edge. The feeling was almost familiar; these mixed moments of confusion and excitement… He pushed it to the back of his mind. He had to generate a better plan than whatever Genji was about to come up with.

“I’ve got an idea,” Genji’s evil smile permeated through his mask. “Let’s just pants Antonio so he’ll be too embarrassed to continue to operate Talon.”

Moira frowned deeply as Reyes let out a small chuckle. “Hilarious. How could I forget that the enemy of most global superpowers was juvenile humor?” She scowled and turned the country music up higher. “Let’s be realistic.”

“How about we pants him AND tell him that his nuts are small?” Genji amended. He made circle with his fingers, slowly making them smaller. “We can say _these_ are his nuts.”

“Now you’re speaking my language!” McCree grinned as Reyes guffawed.

“Brilliant.” Moira’s kill energies were through the roof, and McCree knew that one more funny joke would result in a comedic death for everyone in the car. It would be funny for only her, as everyone else would be dead, and he wasn’t about to miss out on that kind of great humor.

McCree had finally formulated a plan that he thought would work out and that was better than Genji’s plan. “Let’s just kill the guy.” Genji stopped trying to make a dick with his hands to look at him. “I mean, if he’s dead, what’s he going to do?”

Moira lowered the radio. “Could you repeat that? I didn’t hear you.” In spite of her sincerity, her request went overlooked.

“No, we can _not_ kill him,” Reyes asserted. “That would attract too much attention. We need to be low-profile. It’s a covert operation for a reason.”

McCree nodded. “Was it at least better than Genji’s plan?”

As Moira answered, “Yes,” Reyes shrugged. “We might use it as a Plan B.”

Another car cut Moira off and she cast a glare toward the driver that sent them swerving off into the ocean. She then looked over at Reyes imploringly. “So what do you propose, commander?”

“We could capture him, I suppose-”

“And THEN pants him!” Genji chuckled. “And when we interrogate him, we call him ‘Antonio Tinycock’ and ask him about how small his nuts are!”

Reyes reeled, leaning forward in a failing attempt to not burst out laughing. McCree couldn’t believe that could be their Plan B if all else failed, although he was undoubtedly cackling at the concept.

Moira was channeling her anger to explode all three of their heads at the same time. Reyes redirected her attention with the rest of his plan.

Wiping tears of joy from his eyes, Reyes postulated, “The capturing would be more disguised as like, a walkout. We just request his company and guide him out of his location. Then we can set things straight formally.”

“Sounds good to me,” Moira said. “We’re about to reach the hotel.”

McCree shifted in his seat. A hotel sounded nice; his ass was getting that weird feeling from sitting for a million hours in a row, and he wasn’t sure how much more country music he could handle. It felt like his brain was about to implode, but it might have been because Moira was trying to kill them all mere moments ago.

The hotel, _Hôtel Merdique_ , finally came into view. McCree breathed a sigh of relief. Soon he would be in an actual bed. Sleeping in a car seat did a number on his back and neck. His only concern was the amount of times Genji got up in the middle of the night, because he would usually tell McCree why he was awake. Moira also never slept, or at least did so rarely, and it was always awkward if she chose him to stare at all night. Nevertheless, their first day on their mission to Venice was coming to a close. He really wanted to order Chinese food.

Although all seemed well, the cowboy had to acknowledge there was another underlying feeling. It was an indescribable _edge_ , practically filleting his state of mind. What could have otherwise been a perfect state of calm was riddled with the most mild but present anxieties. McCree felt like something still was wrong. Perhaps it was all the information he had unloaded in the van a few hours prior.

Perhaps it was a lingering memory he couldn’t quite shake.

Snapping him from his thoughts, Genji said, “If the lobby has fake grapes, you know, in a bowl, I think we should steal them.”

Reyes and Moira pretended to not hear that, so it was up to McCree to reply.

“What? Why?”

“‘Cause they’d be the perfect example of Antonio’s tiny balls!”

McCree didn’t know how to tell Genji it was starting to get old.

As Reyes was checking them all in for one room (he promised there was room for all of them if Moira stayed on the floor, McCree in the bathtub, himself in the bed, and Genji in the rafters), McCree looked around the rundown lobby. Something was haunting about the maroon wallpaper and beige tiled floor, and the only decoration in the room was a framed picture of Meg from the movie _Hercules_. Genji stood next to the portrait, eying it over pensively.

“I really like this.” He finally said after five minutes. McCree felt like he was going to throw up. 

He heard a faint buzzing noise. Looking up, McCree found a beginning culmination of bees, and a hive. He took a breath. Did anyone _clean_ this godforsaken place? He barreled up to the desk, and rang the bell even though someone was presently helping Reyes obtain a room.

“There’s a _beehive_ in the corner of the room!” McCree shouted.

Genji screamed and scrambled out the door. Moira reluctantly went after him.

Reyes gave him a look, as did the woman across the counter. McCree pointed right at the sight. The woman had in her grip a laser gun. She quickly vaporized the hive and all of its denizens.

“Thank you for telling us.” She stared at McCree head-on. Then, she turned back to Reyes. “Now, sir, these 4 keys can be used…”

She was tuned out as he paced back to the portrait. The rest of the lobby looked clean and cared for, but empty. Moira had brought Genji back in and was looking rather irritated as she returned to standing by Reyes.

“Man, thanks for warning me about that,” Genji said to McCree. “How scary.”

Reyes brushed by them, flashing them the key cards to their room. They were on the 5th floor. Moira motioned for Genji and McCree to follow them onto the elevator. As Genji allowed McCree to click the “Floor 5” button, he set his gaze directly on McCree’s stupid cowboy hat.

## “ **You know, bees are symbolic of _death_** ,"

Genji said expressionlessly.

Moira’s mouth was slightly ajar, fear etched in her eyes. She tried to reply to him but it was wordless. McCree could only stare back in confusion. What was Genji trying to say?

Reyes was either ignoring the tension or oblivious as he pointed out their room number was “420”. It really wasn’t particularly worth noting to anybody else.

The hotel room was a shocking upgrade from the abhorrent lobby. There wasn’t the same sense of fear, and McCree didn’t tune into the sound of bees. Nor did Genji ever bring up anything foreboding again. Instead he seemed to read McCree’s mind on the notion of getting Chinese food. In the midst of the fun as Genji tried to prank call a pizzeria, McCree felt a sensation of terror down to his bones. The notion something about this mission, this room, or the day in total was wrong crept down his throat and settled at the pit of his stomach. Nausea returned, and he felt like every color he saw was one he had never seen before.

Moira snatched the phone away from Genji. “If you want Chinese food, _don’t_ prank call Boobie’s Pizza.”

“But, it’s called _Boobie’s_ Pizza! That’s like a direct downgrade from Dick’s Pizza!” Genji exclaimed.

Moira ignored him and dialed up the Chinese place. As she listened to the rings, she collected their orders. McCree wasn’t sure if he was in the mood to eat, but he figured he’d order the usual lo mein anyway. 

McCree settled down on the bed. Reyes hadn’t anticipated there being two beds, so he allowed the other three to battle for its possession. No one listened to Moira’s idea of sharing the two beds, since they could each hold two people. Genji sat down with him.

“Who will replace you when you die?” Genji asked.

Luckily, the cowboy hadn’t heard him. “What?”

“Nothing.” Genji handed him a milk carton, presumably from the room’s fridge. It was still cold.

After the four of them had dinner, Reyes discovered the hotel room was quite large. It had a second section with a pullout couch. McCree asked if he could sleep on the pull-out couch. Reyes shrugged. That was probably a yes. The rest of the sleeping situation was not carrying out as Reyes had imagined. Genji offered to “curl up like a cat at his feet” on one bed, and Moira would sleep in the other one.

“Oh, McCree?” Reyes called to him as he started getting ready for bed. “Are you okay?”

McCree was in his footie pajamas looking at him, trying to stuff soy sauce packets into his bag. “Uh, I guess I am. I think so.”

Reyes smiled at him, until he noticed the thousands of soy sauce packets spilling from his bag that Reyes initially didn’t know he had. “I know today’s been crazy. I’m still not sure what to think of seeing _that man_ in the bathroom. But we have to finish this mission before we can confront these things again.”

“You’re right,” McCree replied slowly. “I’ll try not to go in over my head, sir.”

“Me too.” Reyes knelt down and took ten packets from him. In the moment, McCree couldn’t protest. “Good night, McCree.”

“Night.”

In bed, McCree couldn’t get the bees in the lobby out of his head. Especially not with Genji’s addition afterward. A symbol of death, gathered all in one spot, building a place to nourish it. What could it mean? Maybe, it meant nothing at all. But all that came up in McCree’s mind was the aching memory of the mass suicide. It came up on the news a week after McCree left. _Twenty people dead. Same time. Same day. All members of the “Channel Awesome organization”_. He took a breath, not realizing he was holding it.

McCree needed to sleep. It was just a really strange occurrence, McCree told himself, although he didn’t believe it. He closed his eyes, and would eventually fall asleep.

Someone was calling his name when he awoke. “McCree?” He didn’t recognize the voice. “McCree? Are you awake?”

“Yeah… I’m up…” McCree sat up in the bed. 

All things considered, given it was a couch, his back didn’t hurt like hell. It certainly beat sleeping in a car seat. McCree rubbed his eyes with his hands, and stretched. When he opened his eyes, McCree let out a gasp. Across his bed, almost seeming to loom high over him, was Doug. There was no doubt about it. McCree involuntarily shook as he took in Doug’s image. Everything about him made McCree shiver.

McCree tried to speak, to ask him what he wanted, to say anything, but his voice seemed to be soundless.

Doug Walker’s eyes glinted in the waning moonlight. “McCree,” breathed the Critic. “Didn’t you say you'd forget about Channel Awesome?” McCree couldn’t answer. “Look who’s remembering so I don’t have to."

He awoke, for real this time. McCree stifled a yell. Quickly, he scurried to the room with the two beds. Genji was sitting on the end of Reyes’ bed, finishing his dinner from last night. McCree couldn’t properly process what was happening. He felt light-headed. In an attempt at logic, he reasoned that it was only a dream. He was thankful it was only a dream.

“Hey, McCree,” Genji said. “We’re leaving soon, so you should get ready.”

McCree had not an inkling of a clue of what was happening. “Leaving? Where are we going?”

Genji didn’t notice McCree’s state of disarray. “Venice. So we can do our mission thing. You know.” He continued rambling incoherently, but it only became further indistinct as McCree tuned him out.

“Right… the mission,” He only hoped it could be so simple.


	3. Torbjorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "reaper goes to cafe gratitude"

Venice wasn’t exactly how he had pictured. The streets weren’t the bustling and almost alive and breathing streets he saw in the news, the people and omnics weren’t endlessly full of mirth. It was as if he had infected them with his own worries and dark thoughts, but the rest of the party carried on as usual and he decided it was all in his head. 

They gravitated towards a dim alley and exchanged looks as if prompting the others to speak. Finally, Reyes opened his mouth. “We got here a little earlier than expected,” he said and took a cautionary glance around, “Looks like we’ll need some kind of disguise until we can grab Antonio this evening.” 

Moira nodded, “We have connections to Cafe Gratitudine, let’s work off of that,” McCree was looking somewhere far away, and answered distantly, 

“What connections?”

“My 2nd cousin works there,” she paused for a moment, “He probably still does…” 

“Probably?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, by all means share your idea,” she said, crossing her arms. McCree didn’t respond and pretended he wasn’t a little hurt. He was just asking. Reyes did a Reyes Chuckle. 

“Okay, let’s go then. Where’s this cafe?” Reyes said, watching her make a motion with her arm for them to follow as she strutted down the eastern street.


	4. Big Ol' McCree Uppercut

McCree had never been so mad in his whole fucking life. “You said your cousin works here,” The waiter outfit chafed his arms and torso. It was a little tight on him.

Moira stifled a laugh, “It was a possibility he still did. It isn’t my fault I got all the genius in the family,” McCree groaned and kicked at the unconsolable Genji on the floor. 

“How’s it funny he died, Genji?” He asked, just about reaching his limit. 

“Dude, he got shot in the NUTS!” Genji whooped and hollered until Reyes had to shush him. “And now you’re- you’re wearing a stolen waiter’s outfit we had to fucking steal after hitting the clown with his own frying pan!” His hysterics started anew, “He should have been in the circus instead! Clown!” 

“Alright, that’s quite enough,” Moira said for McCree’s own sanity. She found it pretty amusing herself. Reyes nodded for McCree to go out and start serving. 

“Okay, you’re a waiter… so…” Reyes motioned vaguely. “Go wait,” 

McCree huffed and grabbed a writing pad. It was hot, crowded, and he didn’t speak Italian. He decided he could just try to serve tourists before realizing there were near none. The other waiters were doing just fine by themselves, so he figured he could chill out until his shift was over- whenever that is. 

“Cameriere!” a woman called from across the cafe. He panicked for mere moments, hoping someone else would be free, but he was literally the only one so he skittered over. He knew approximately 20 words in Spanish and did a _pretty good_ Italian accent so he hoped that would be close enough. 

“Sì… ¿Cómo te puedo a ayudar?” He said, sweating profusely and nearly dropping his writing pad. She smiled uncomfortably. 

“Sei un idiota?” OK. McCree has finally had enough. What he was about to do was something he would talk to his therapist about when he got back to the Blackwatch base. His therapist would call it “horrific violence that no human should be able to unleash” but he called it the big ol’ McCree uppercut. 

Reyes saw that McCree was about to unleash his terrible ultimate move that he had renamed 4 times since he thought of it during a Blackwatch Dungeons and Dragons session. His character died after using it, and Reyes imagined real McCree would die too if he used it. Thinking fast, he ran into the kitchen and comically knocked one of the chefs out with a frying pan.

“That’s two, now,” Moira muttered, absently trailing behind.

None of the other chefs noticed. He quickly dragged the body away. The chef in question was all sweaty, so he decided to just take the hat. It was a good disguise. Reyes scuttled just in time to see the customer’s eyes widen with rage.

He couldn’t speak Italian either, but he decided in his mind that most Italians knew English anyway. “Uh, haha, ignore him. He- he didn’t mean it. He’s new here.”

McCree couldn’t believe Reyes got there so fast. His hand hurt from the intense ritual required to use his uppercut. It was just like Hamster Style, from _Orgazmo_ (1997) dir. Trey Parker.

“H-” McCree fell over from the sonic boom that followed Reyes’s impossible speeds. He was lucky to be alive because everyone else save he and Reyes went fucking soaring. 

“They’re swimming with the fishes now, see?” Reyes referenced _Orgazmo_ (1997) dir. Trey Parker, smugly.

Moira had her gravity boots on and strolled in from the kitchen tiredly. She had made herself a small snack and stolen the credit card numbers and social security numbers of all the chefs. She remained undeterred by all of the bodies in the room. “I’m treating myself today,” she said, buying an anime figure off of Amazon.

Genji had went flying, but he came back okay. He was singing “Now You’re a Man” from _Orgazmo_ (1997) dir. Trey Parker. Everyone else conceded he sang pretty okay, but it was still off-key and grating. When Genji stopped singing, the song continued.

“Woohoo, guys! Cafe Gratitude neutralized!” he said. “No witnesses… No stealth blown!”

Moira held back her rage. The box with her anime figure in it dropped from the sky, shattering the ceiling. “No, we weren’t _supposed_ to ‘neutralize’ it-” Then her anime figure-loving instincts took over and she immediately opened up the Amazon box. To her surprise, it was a copy of the movie _Orgazmo_ (1997) dir. Trey Parker.

“Reyes tried to get everyone to gather around-” McCree narrated, hoping he would actually do it. Reyes tried to get everyone to gather around, as Moira said, “If I spent $400 on Nanami, I want my Nanami figure.” Genji vaporized it with his laser eyes he didn’t know he had until now.

“Well, guys, we really bungled that one up, didn’t we?” Reyes made direct eye contact with McCree. Now McCree was mad again.

It was then that McCree felt a shift in the air. “Guys,” he said, “I feel a shift in the air,” He crouched down to examine the outfit of the unconscious workers. _Channel Awesome..._ Something about the cafe’s logo was strikingly similar to the cult’s old logo. It was so shocking he flew into the wall by the force of the shock he felt. “No…” his voice cracked and he grabbed his aching head with his hands. “NO!” 

Reyes frowned, “Look, I’m sorry you had to wear the stupid outfit but why are you throwing a fit about it now?” McCree didn’t respond. “McCree, you were the only one it would kind of fit-”

“Turn the logo upside down,” McCree’s voice sounded ancient and faraway. “What does it say now?”

They all exchanged quizzical looks but did as he said lest they have to hear him rage about how they all hate his ideas later in the hotel. The tension all but choked them as they read what the logo now said…

“Channel… Channel Awesome…” They said in a haunting unison. Moira couldn’t contain her anger. 

“How the fuck does Cafe Gratitude become Channel Awesome when you turn it upside down?” She said before she ripped it to shreds, “It’s completely impossible!”

“You’re right,” Genji said, not really understanding what was happening. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t still try.”

“What? What are you talking about?” Moira paused her rage in confusion.

“It’s probably just a coincidence,” Reyes said. He really didn’t want to have to deal with a weird cult. Also, he didn’t want McCree to lose his marbles over the return of Channel Awesome. So instead he gestured vaguely. “We still have some time to kill. So-”

McCree interrupted him in a sudden outburst, “THE WALKER IS GONNA CUT OFF MY FUCKING DICK, REYES!” He started quaking violently, “DO YOU HATE ME AND MY NUTS?”

Genji laughed. “Haw, haw, no dick McCree!” McCree lunged and aimed to kill. 

Reyes nodded. “Uh huh, so as I was saying, we have some time to...” He rephrased his initial sentence. “...spare.”

“What were you thinking?” Moira implored.

“I… uh, I want one of those cool masks.” Now he was sensitive and shy.

Moira made a face. “I guess we could get one. I don’t know where they are, though.”

Genji was about to get all of his limbs broken, but wouldn’t go out without one last _Orgazmo_ (1997) dir. Trey Parker reference, “I don’t wanna sound like a queer or nothin’, but we should get some masks,”

McCree stopped in his tracks and smiled pleasantly, “We’re getting masks?” he asked.

Genji ignored his slight pain. “Yeah, uh, I know where they are.”

Moira asked, “You do?” as Genji tried to create as much distance between himself and McCree as possible. As usual, _Orgazmo_ (1997) dir. Trey Parker saved his life. That ‘cowboy’ would’ve ripped him to shreds and turned him into pulled Genji pork otherwise.

Genji didn’t actually know where the masks were, but if he spent enough time walking around with everyone else thinking he did, maybe they’d find them. He had a powerful feeling one person in his group really wanted a mask, though he wasn’t sure who. He guessed Moira. If he wasn’t right, he’d get one of those cat masks even though he can’t really wear one.

The walk was unbearably long, and Genji had sent them on about 23 wild goose chases. After around 6 hours they found a vendor who was selling them and just about to close.

“There they are!” Reyes couldn’t stifle his excitement. “Thanks, Genji, you lead us right to the masks!”

Genji didn’t realize. “Uh, heh, yeah. I guess I did.” He looked toward the sunset that wasn’t happening like he had just saved the world. In a way, he had kind of saved Reyes’ world… In his mind’s eye, he could see Armando from _Orgazmo_ (1997) dir. Trey Parker telling him, “I don’t mean to sound like a queer or nothing, but I think fire is very romantic”. 

The masks were all like, a dollar, because the appeal of Venice wasn’t really the masks these days, and mostly that if you’re from Venice you get to be called “Venetian”. Reyes bought 10 masks.

Moira smiled deviously. “Which one is mine?”

Reyes put on 3 masks at once. “Huh? Oh, uh-” He gave her one at random. Moira gestured for him to give Genji and McCree a mask too. Reyes sighed, and tried to pick his least favorites.

“We’re all wearing masks,” Genji said darkly. Everyone was shaken to their core.

McCree suddenly remembered he was angry after he put on his mask that looked like a clown. “Hey wait, I’m still angry!” He shredded his own mask to fibers and Reyes’ heart shattered with every mask fiber that fell to the cold earth. Reyes desperately tried to hot glue the pieces back together while McCree raged. “I can’t continue this mission in good conscience! The Walker’s gonna take my goddamn nuts!”

“So just go through the mission in bad conscience,” Genji laughed at his own joke. He continued with a soft chuckle, “Why’s he The Walker anyway? Where’s he walking? It sounds like he steals nuts more often than walks,” He shook his head and a microphone apparated in his hand, “Quite frankly he should be called The Nutter or something. The Nut Job, like the movie. Sorry, just thought of that,” the crowd he was doing standup for hooted and hollered. “Thanks, folks. I’ll be here all night.”

“Reyes swished away the illusion,” Reyes said as he swished his arms and turned to Genji, “Stop roleplaying, we have to get to Antonio.”

“Agreed,” Moira said, “I want this over with so I can use the hot tub in the hotel I didn’t tell you all about.”

“There’s a hot tub?” Reyes asked. 

“No,” She couldn’t let them know. “I said, ‘shot scrub’.” She tried to cover her tracks.

Genji did more comedy stand up even though there was no longer a crowd. “Heh, hey, who shot him? Is that like,” he paused as the crowd roared with laughter. “Uh, ‘I Shot the Sheriff’, that one song?” He laughed at his own joke a little too loudly, so the audience’s disembodied cackles took a moment to break out.

Everyone else was ignoring Genji’s comedy routine.

McCree turned on his GPS and departed for Antonio’s Abode. “Let’s go then,” he said. As they departed a peculiar chill blew down the street. He shivered, though no one else seemed particularly shaken by it. McCree trying to shake it off, he had been sweating all day and chalked it up to the air making him feel colder as a result. Though he couldn’t shake off the gaze of the man in the alley wearing one of the masks he had seen at the vendor, all too familiar to him.


	5. Reyes Meets Antonio Kida

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyo8uJQsazc <\-- improves the experience

It was well into the evening now, and nearly impossible to see. The dark clouds sheathed the stars as if hiding them away, and the moon was merely a thin sliver. They quietly approached the gates of the mansion, judging by the dull buzz that it was electric. 

McCree was still angry. “I guess Genji has to get electrocuted first.”

Genji sighed. “I guess so.”

Moira glared at them both, which was hard to see but easy to feel. “We can find another way in,” she told them through gritted teeth. If she didn’t have any white hairs now, they were going to give them to her, if not make her completely bald. 

“I’ve got the best way to go inside,” Reyes smiled smugly. He brought out four spoons from his back pocket. “I’ve been keeping these babies warm for a while now.”

Genji guffawed, “Yeah, you’ve been sitting on them,” He gestured to McCree who played the according laugh track. The real audience had to take a break because Genji’s jokes were too funny and it caused someone’s bladder to implode and also a black hole sucked them all in. Scientists were currently researching black holes, and had found it was a supermassive one, which was normal but just really huge. Genji didn’t realize his jokes were so funny, but he figured it could come into good use in the future.

Reyes continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted, “They’re rubber, so if we each use one spoon to climb it we probably won’t die,” he demonstrated, using the rubber spoon to propel himself over the gate, like a torpedo. “They don’t call me Torpedo for nothing.”

“No one calls you Torpedo,” Moira said. She turned sideways and slipped through the bars of the gate. Good thing she removed her organs. And they said the black market was dangerous. In her head, she laughed to herself.

Now they had to watch Genji and McCree either attempt to slip through the bars, or use the stupid spoon trick. Genji observed the gate suspiciously. “So…” he paced alongside it while McCree visualized leaping over the gate with the spoon. “Who said this gate is electric?”

Reyes looked at him uncomfortably. “Uh, I did.”

“But how do we know for _sure_?” he was about to touch the gate, but Moira’s arms lengthened to slap it away. “Oh, I see. So you hate the action of discovery.”

“Just, try to get past the gate,” Reyes suggested like he wasn’t going to pass out.

McCree played back the image of Reyes stupidly launching himself with the rubber spoon over and over. The others could hear the VHS rewind sound coming from his ears. It physically should not have happened! Then he recalled earlier today when his commander caused a sonic boom. He guessed miracles really did exist, then.

The cowboy tried his best to copy Reyes’ (Torpedo’s) moves. It was like a magic trick! He had succeeded.

“It worked, Torpedo!” McCree said, jumping for joy. 

“Heh, see? People do call me Torpedo,” Reyes looked over at Moira smugly. She refused to look just in case her primal instinct to kill him for being smug kicked in. 

Now, getting Genji to go over it was another thing entirely.

Reyes was trying to coax him like a dog. “C’mon, boy! Here, Genji!”

Genji gave up on being a little bastard. “Alright, I’ll use the spoon.” They all cheered. “Oh, whoopsie! Oopsie-doodle! Ah! I keep dropping my rubber spoon!” They watched in horror, trying to make out what was happening. “My hands are too - oopsies! - sweaty.” He tried to sound cool about it, but every time he dropped it he said something really dumb.

“Ah, crumbcakes! Whoops! Not again! Oh, gosh dang it! Yikky-yoo!” Genji finally had a firm grip on his spoon. “Yahoo! Ready for takeoff!” No one was in a good enough state of emotional comfort to cheer this time. Genji was ready to propel himself over the gate, but then:

“Oopsies! It slipped again. Hold on guys, seriously, this time for real.” 

Reyes said, “Stop.” He gestured to the wall that was not electric. “Could you just, maybe, climb over this wall.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

“Oh, but how will I use the spoon-”

“No. No spoons.”

McCree was holding back his tears from how long Genji was making them wait.

After Genji had climbed over the wall, they were ready to ‘meet’ Antonio. The whole time, Genji kept saying, “Oh yeah, I’ll _take care_ of him,” and laughing, “He’ll be sleeping with the fishes, see!” He was roleplaying now as an ‘enemy mob boss’. Everyone tried really hard to ignore him.

“Okay, so, let’s go over this one more time,” Reyes said. “We’re just trying to talk, to get him to come with us. No murder, no jokes, no provocation, and most importantly, no pussies. Understood?”

Everyone nodded. As they reached the door, Reyes turned around to say it for the thousandth time before Moira cut him off. 

“Let’s open the door,” she said, kicking over the giant double doors as if they were made of paper mache. 

Inside, it was well lit by the hanging chandelier and the thousands upon thousands of scented candles. They crinkled their noses at the overwhelming mix of scents. Antonio leapt up from the chaise lounge, his bathrobe swaying dramatically. “My paper mache doors!” he cried. His hands trembled as he reached for the nearby gun. 

“Whoa, slow down cowboy,” Reyes said, imitating McCree and causing McCree’s mind to fracture into seven pieces. “We just wanna have a little chatsy-watsy,”

“You’re sick, Reyes,” Antonio struggled to keep a hold on his gun, “You know I’m scared of cowboys,”

“Aw shucks,” Reyes kicked the ground and imitated the sound of spurs, “Ya don’t have to make this difficult, partner,”

“Ahhh!! Stop!” Antonio was about to sob.

“Haha… Well, if ya want my two cents-”

He was cut off by Antonio’s warning shot ringing out and echoing through the mansion. Silence followed for a few seconds, before Antonio collected himself. 

“All these… theatrics,” he shrugged and chuckled to himself, “They’ve been a waste of our time. I don’t care how many years of theater you took but I won’t be-”

Another gunshot, and smoke coiled up from Reyes’s shotgun. McCree feverishly slapped the guns out of his hands. 

“Did you fire that or was it the bean chip ghost?” He asked desperately. Reyes didn’t answer, and McCree only became more frantic. “WAS IT THE GHOST OR NOT?”

“Oopsies,” Reyes whispered.

Moira said calmly, “But you said no murder.” She would’ve liked some blood on her hands too. “Does this mean anyone else is free range for the kill now?”

As he lay there bleeding out, his bathrobe slipped and revealed he had no cock and balls. McCree screamed, and everyone else felt a cold sweat begin to form as their shoulders tightened. 

“That could mean anything,” Reyes said, and in that moment a small business card slipped out of Antonio’s pocket. His eyes widened as he walked over to inspect it. “That better be a Dick’s Pizza rewards card.”

“That’d be funny,” Genji said absently, “Because he doesn’t have a dick,”

McCree was breaking down. “THEY CHOPPED OFF HIS DICK AND BALLS! THAT’S WHAT DOUG WALKER DOES!”

“Please,” Moira smugly walked over to the card and picked it up with her devil hands. “There’s no way that Antonio, crime superlord, was involved with your stupid little cult all those years ago.” She did a little smug chuckle, and read the card in her head. 

“See? Nostalgia’s Gate, formerly known as-” She reread the card in shock, “Oh shoot,” Moira attempted to shove it in her mouth and destroy the evidence in the hope McCree would forget he saw it but Reyes stopped her. 

“They rebooted Channel Awesome,” Reyes mumbled.

Genji scoffed, “Rebooted? What is it, your favorite TV show? What kind of word choice is that?”

McCree looked around the mansion cautiously. He spotted the logo on nearly every single object and wondered how they hadn’t noticed before. A soft thump on the staircase interrupted his thoughts and he quickly did a 360, then a 180, and then a kickflip to find the source. 

“Nice ballerina twirl, McCree,” It was like hearing a ghost. “Or should I say, Gllric,” The Walker clapped bemusedly, and slowly descended the stairs . “Almost good enough for the Nostalgia’s Gate talent show, hm?” The lights flickered for several seconds before going out completely. When they relit, Doug’s face was mere inches from McCree’s. 

“God, you’re old now, you know that Gllric?” He clicked his tongue, and turned on his heel to examine the party, “How many years has it been since you betrayed me?” His face was possessed by a maniacal grin, “Almost makes me... _nostalgic_ …” Genji tried to take a swipe at The Walker with his extra long talons but the mysterious man merely teleported behind Genji and took his lunch money. 

McCree’s gaze fell to the floor and his voice was small, “You can’t touch him if he doesn’t want you to, Genji,” He curled in on himself. “You don’t understand what horrors he’s committed to become this… this-”

The Walker interrupted McCree, “This _GOD_? Heh, and I would hardly call my heightened nostalgia a horror,” He approached Reyes and tilted his head, “Nice mask.” The lights flickered once more. 

“Thanks,” Reyes smiled warmly. “I thought it was a great purchase until Genji tore his to shreds.” Genji was too busy crying over his lunch money to rage at Reyes’s response. His reaction barely mattered though, as The Walker ripped the mask off of Reyes’s face and turned it into a picture of Meg from Hercules. Reyes collapsed to the floor in anguish.

“What do you want?” McCree asked, cautiously watching The Walker’s movements. 

The Walker paced absently around the room, a faraway look in his bloodshot eyes. “I just want what every man wants. To be nostalgic.” He paused, and the world seemed to stop in its tracks. “It’s funny you should ask this, _McCree_ ,” The Walker almost spat the cowboy’s name out, “Because I’m looking to start a new cult, with you as a returning member.”

“Like hell I will!” McCree raised his voice over the ominous music that played in the background. “You shouldn’t even be alive! I saw the papers! You were one of the victims of the mass suicide!”

“Was I?” The Walker’s grin sent a chill down his spine. “Allow us to get, forgive my wordplay, _nostalgic_ for a moment…” He lounged on the chair Antonio had been sitting minutes before and rested his feet on the dead man’s back. 

“I’m sure you remember all those times our cult house was burned down. Now why do you think that is?” He steepled his fingers and waited for McCree’s response. 

“You’re bad at cooking?” 

“Haw haw! Well yes,” he said, looking ashamed for a few moments. “But I was also practicing- mind you not cooking- but practicing how to survive in those scorching flames.” He smirked and looked at him over his glasses, “Fire can’t kill me McCree, and neither can any man,” 

McCree was speechless. He wasn’t sure how that logicistally worked but The Walker could teleport and he just catapulted himself with a rubber spoon like a half hour ago so anything's possible. 

“Now,” The Walker cleared his throat and rose from his seat, “I’m not going to ask you all to join, because you oh-so-graciously... already have!” The laughs escaped his throat with too much ease, “You know murder at a meeting is a guaranteed admittance, don’t you?”

“That’s impossible! No one’s here but you, asshole!” McCree spat. But The Walker only shook his head. 

“No one? Then who are they?” Figures hooded in white cloaks emerged from the adjoined rooms and began a gregorian chant rendition of Caribbean Queen. McCree’s body went weak and he fell to his knees. 

“This is ridiculous,” Moira changed to her second form. “The Walker, your imaginary reign ends here!” Now equipped with 40 spatulas (one for each hand), she tried to turn The Walker into a smashburger. With each desperate swipe she took at the demi-god, The Walker merely deflected her move with a vague hand gesture and a patient look, snapping all of the bones in her hands in the process. 

“McCree, if your friends wish to stay alive, tell them to stop wasting their time.” Walker smirked, sending the wounded Moira back with a powerful force field blast. “A man can be only so patient with a fly.”

His throat was dry as he struggled to formulate the words. His brain was a radio on the wrong station and his heart was a sea, turbulent and red with blood. McCree finally managed to croak out his plea. “Guys… it’s no use,” His strength finally gave out, “You can’t fight him… I-” his vision faded and he lost consciousness before he could finish. 

“Hm, hm!” The Walker hm’d. “You should listen to our friend, Gllric. He seems to be with the program,” He snapped his fingers and pointed to Reyes. “Now, Refyb,” Keys materialized in his hands and he tossed them to ‘Refyb’. “Why don’t the four of you get moving to your new room? Tomorrow’s going to be a busy day,”


	6. The four had lain awake in silence for the past few hours. They remained motionless, afraid to make the first movement or so

The four had lain awake in silence for the past few hours. They remained motionless, afraid to make the first movement or sound. McCree’s eyes flicked over to Reyes’ and they held contact for awhile before he finally snapped. 

“This is your fault you know,” he said, failing to mask his returning anger. 

“You’re right, it is your fau-” Reyes processed what McCree said and paused before continuing, “Oh, I thought you were going to take responsibility for this one,”

McCree felt himself inching closer to going over the edge and bolted up, jabbing an accusatory finger at Reyes. “ME? You killed Antonio and now we’re stuck in this stupid cult!”

Moira interjected with a hiss, “Can we all just retire for the night? I’m sure none of you want to see me on anything less than 6 hours of sleep,” It was quiet for a few seconds before McCree mumbled something the rest couldn’t hear. She grasped her sleeping mask desperately and turned to him slowly. “What? Could you speak up for once?”

“We can’t fall asleep,” he said dryly.

“Why’s that, cowboy?” Moira was starting to get a little pissed off because it had been 64 hours since her last blood sacrifice and she didn’t have the opportunity to kill anyone. All she had were these three other people who trusted her enough to come close to them with a knife. She then smiled in her brain because she had just come up with the worst idea. “Ohohoho,” she accidentally chuckled out loud. No one noticed.

“I mean, it’s not like we’re going to get chipped or anything,” Genji recited from his script, _Snackwatch and the Channel that was Snawesome_. All of the critics online said that it was the worst thing they had ever seen and a plague on the living, but Genji can’t read. McCree howled in anguish. 

“We are going to get chipped!” as he said this he slapped Genji’s hand away from cuing the laugh track. Reyes’s eyes widened. 

“Then how did you escape the first time?” he asked. 

“Oh...he originally chipped our clothes- like all our clothes,” McCree looked off somewhere distant. “So, I had to run out naked,”

“Ass out and everything?” Genji made the most horrible ugly face that he could conjure.

“Ass out and everything.” McCree let a small tear slide down his cheek. 

“Is there a chance he’s already chipped us?” Reyes yawned. “Theoretically if we were, we could sleep because we’ve got nothing to lose.” 

“No, he’s gonna wait until we’re asleep. We’ve got to escape between now and before we pass out from exhaustion.” McCree explained, his body already trembling. It was just like the panty raid mission from popular game Bully. He hadn’t had his mid-late afternoon nap and it was starting to take its toll. He leapt out of bed and cautiously approached the door. “There’s a 90% chance he isn’t standing outside. Now, you may ask ‘McCree, why would he stand outside the door?’” McCree chuckled, “Well, he doesn’t sleep anymore, however, he eats the dreams of four random people every night. So, if we want to escape he can’t be outside, otherwise he won’t leave until we ARE asleep and there’s no way we’ll be able to get past him,”

His hands shook as he reached for the handle, and he struggled to turn it with his sweaty palms. “Just a second, guys. Sweaty hands over here, haha,” he said, trying to be cool. Unfortunately for him, Moira hated sweaty hands. In an attempt to turn him to dust, she aimed her strongest blow for his throat but missed and exploded the door instead.

And there he stood, inhuman and menacing. The Walker had glowing eyes, and his grin pierced the darkness with their eery white shine. Something about his figure was darker than the night itself. He was completely still, completely immovable, and completely impassable. Their room immediately became colder and a draft blew through- seemingly from emanating from The Walker himself. 

“I heard some people in here were thinking of escaping,” The Walker smiled his horrible smile and grew two new eyes so he could stare at everyone at the room.

“Actually, it was just McCree,” Genji spoke up, drawing a picture of Hanzo in the wall with his knife before drawing a picture of himself destroying Hanzo with his energy. “He’s always the guy who comes up with this kind of wacky and stupid stuff.” He laughed to himself. Reyes nodded in agreement with the laughter. Sometimes you gotta tell jokes.

McCree, however, was trembling in his little cowboy baby boots. The Walker fixated all four of his bloodshot eyes on McCree and rumbled in a low voice, “ **It’s chipping time**.” Two new arms grew from his torso and ripped through his clothes as McCree, Reyes, and Moira watched in abject horror. Genji was okay with it because he wasn’t looking. 

Each of his four tendrils stretched out towards the four heroes and planted a tiny chip on each of their heads. They didn’t feel it at all, so it just felt like The Walker was patting their heads, which was objectively worse. McCree desperately swatted at his slimy hands, though his attempts were too late. 

“Go to sleep now,” The Walker said, disappearing into the night as the party’s consciousness was stolen. That night the four had dreamless sleeps, and floated in the oasis of spiraling darkness.


	7. Who's Cheatin' Who!

When McCree awoke, he was dressed in a completely black robe, staring at what appeared to be one of The Walker’s ‘delicious meals’. It was a bunch of undercooked vegan hot dogs placed to form the letter ‘W’. He grimaced. This meal was all too familiar to him, but making them vegan was a new touch. More specifically, a way of making it even more torturous to consume. McCree could only be thankful it wasn’t carrot dogs.

“Welcome back to the realm of the living,” Reyes mumbled across from him. Looking up from his sad little meal, McCree had time to finally see the room around him. They were no longer trapped in their little cupboard room, but rather a grand dining hall, surrounded by other figures with the same attire. Beside Reyes was Genji, and Moira sat right next to McCree. They all wore the same dead tired expressions, almost as if they had not slept at all. 

“Hey stupid idiot baby boy McCree is up,” Genji genji’d, devouring his plate whole. “We had to drag you here because for some reason you slept and we didn’t, and we were told that if we didn’t go to breakfast, we would all be tried and executed for breakfast crimes.” He focused his eyes on McCree’s plate. “Are you gonna eat that?” McCree confusedly handed over his plate.

“You guys didn’t sleep at ALL?” McCree started.

“No. Instead we got new clothes and played a killer game of UNO,” Moira said, absently cutting up her hotdog meal with a knife. “I won every single time.”

“That’s because you had shoved cards up your sleeves beforehand,” Reyes interjected.

“I told you, those were unrelated.”

“Yeah, sometimes you have random cards up your sleeves!” Genji demonstrated by emptying out his sleeves, from which 4000 UNO cards and Moira’s credit card spilled out. “Besides, I was the one cheating and I didn’t even get to win!”

Moira, Genji, and Reyes all got into a fist fight as McCree tried desperately to pay attention. He felt like someone was looking at him from behind and their powerful gaze was sapping all of his strength. Feebly, he turned around. It was a goose. He turned back around. A few seats down the table, an actual human person (not a goose) was looking at him. They made brief eye contact. 

Her hood obscured most of her features, but he could see the light reflect in her eyes as she tilted her head and looked away. He swore he imagined it, but she flashed three fingers at him, promptly stood, and walked down what seemed to be an endless hallway. It was intriguing enough, but he wasn’t in the mood for one of The Walker’s games. Yet, something in his gut told him to go anyway. McCree looked around the table quickly, and seeing that his companions were still arguing and all others were preoccupied, he pursued the strange woman undetected. 

It was dark, which wasn’t particularly odd because The Walker’s eyes were sensitive to concentrated light, yet it was still dim enough to see despite a lack of light sources. After walking for what seemed to be hours, he began to wonder if he had been duped. He turned around, only to realize he was no longer in the hallway and there was a wall directly behind him. His pulse sped up and he pressed on it desperately, knocking to see if he could simply break it down and return to the dining hall and forget about whatever kind of stupid prank this is. 

As he pounded on it desperately, he heard soft footsteps approaching from behind. Momentarily he froze, fearing The Walker was approaching. Before he could react a hand gently rested on his shoulder. All he could process were long acrylic nails and the glow of cybernetic enhancements before something solid connected with the back of his skull. His vision wavered and he stumbled to the floor, looking up to see the same woman from before. Silently, she lifted a finger to her lips, and he watched as she raised her bat again. 

When he awoke, he was in an overwhelmingly purple room. He gripped the sheets and found they were a limited edition silk minecraft set… sweet. McCree blinked and looked around the room, spotting a painting of Meg from Hercules and that woman once again. He coughed and struggled to speak.

“Who… Who are you?” he rasped, trying to rise from the sacred minecraft sheets. She merely clicked her tongue and continued to type furiously on the computer before her. After a while of McCree staring at her, she sighed and responded. 

“That’s not really important,” she turned in her swivel chair several times before stopping it to look at him. “But you can call me Sombra,”

Sombra looked him over briefly before laughing to herself. “You know, I _was_ trying to help, but I didn’t know those chips would be so tough to break,” She turned back around to examine her work. “We’ll have to resort to other means,” 

“How can you talk like this?” McCree shakily examined the room again. Was this a test? He was waiting for The Walker to jump out should he say the wrong thing. “You know that… _he_ can hear us,” Sombra simply chuckled once more and waved a hand dismissively.

“I’m a gamer. His powers don’t work on me.” She gestured to the minecraft sheets. He nodded wisely, then had another panicked realization. 

“But, my chip-” Sombra shook her head and pointed to a microwave in the corner of the very purple room. 

“The frequencies are too similar, he can’t hear you in a 10 meter range of an operating microwave,” He curiously touched the back of his head as she continued, “That’s why he’s the only one allowed to cook- which is unfortunate for many reasons besides the chips,” They both had flashbacks of the uncooked vegan hot dogs. “So we’re safe here as long as he doesn’t find out I have this- or that I’m a gamer,”

“Where is HERE, exactly?” McCree asked before wrapping the sheets over him like a second robe and shuffling over to Sombra.

“It’s essentially purgatory.” Before McCree could wail in anguish, Sombra continued. “Since The Walker has achieved godhood, there is no dimension he can’t go to. Since my gamer powers are similar to godhood, I could look for a dimension of my own to set up in. Like I already said, the microwave and my own presence makes this place unseeable to the Walker’s horrible gaze.”

“What about my friends?” he asked. Sombra threw her hands up in anguish and put the computer in sleep mode. 

“I didn’t bring you here to play twenty questions, McCree,” He somberly put away his twenty questions machine. “I’m here to offer you a proposal. I can help you and your ‘friends’ get out of here and kill The Walker.”

“Tonight, there’s supposed to be a concert of some sort. I believe Islands are going to be playing. I love those guys, and The Walker does too. During the concert, if you can somehow obtain a hair off Nick “Diamond” Thorburn’s head without being discovered and hand it to me, I can program it to destroy all of the chips of everyone in the room. It has a lot of power, so there’s a chance it could weaken The Walker for about, let’s say, five minutes? You’d have to kill him in that timeframe.”

McCree was trying to pay attention, but when he heard Nick Thorburn was going to be there he nearly passed out for the tenth time today. _Wowee Zowee!_ McCree thought in his brain. _That guy should be my dad!_

“I knew you’d think about adopting a new dad part way through my monologue, so I already uploaded the instructions in your brain.” Sombra made a cherry Dr. Pepper apparate in her hand and crushed it with her strength. She absently watched the Dr. Pepper drip down her hands, “Just make sure to avoid Alden,” Her gaze darkened and she evaporated the liquid with her glare, “Who knows what kind of dark magic he’s into now, and it’s only fueled by his rivalry with Nick “Diamond” Thorburn…” McCree nodded, only to blink and find himself back in the dining hall and listening to his friends argue over the rules of Uno. He had to get ready for tonight.


	8. The Incredible Return of Sombra!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Find out when Islands is next playing live near you. List of all Islands tour dates and concerts.

Later that day, given The Walker had not yet approached them to terrorize them, Genji took his place. 

“Check it out, guys!” smirked The Genj. “I can access KiwiFarms.Net with my neural transmissions! Whoaaaa, I can see the threads with my arteries!”

McCree didn’t find it funny, nor did he care. And he was all pissed off, because the ‘bedrooms’ The Walker’s cult provided were just empty rooms with nothing but a picture of Meg from _Hercules_ , as well as a small bale of hay. He wished Genji would just stop being such a chickenshit and shut the hell up. But he didn’t have any powers in this realm.

Besides, he had to focus. The concert was tonight. Although the day seemed to get longer and longer. This was presumably the result of The Walker’s time powers. Or so, he thought. Given there was no windows, McCree didn’t know what time of day it was. If it was already the night, then he was fucking screwed. Not only had he missed seeing his new father, Nick “Diamond” Thorburn but he had missed his only opportunity to kill The Walker. Or so he thought.

Basically everything was up in the air right now.

As Reyes and Moira entered the room, Genji was saying, “Yeah, it was called Deadpool, and he had these like, regenerating body cells-”

“Gentlemen?” Moira said in Spy’s voice. “Shall we self-inflict trauma?”

“ _Way_ ahead of you,” the cowboy said absently, stressing over the mere concept The Walker may live another day.

Moira pursed her lips in concern. She was just messing around, and now absorbed all of McCree’s anguish. Although she had been emotionally weakened, McCree now wasn’t worried. He perked up.

“You guys!” McCree said. “I- I have something to say!”

Reyes looked at him warmly. “I do too.”

“Okay, you go first,” they said simultaneously.

Genji hid in the hay so no one could see any bit of him but his cyborg toes.

Reyes chuckled nervously. “Okay, I’ll go.” He watched the other two with excitement, and one quick glance over at Genji’s toesies. “They have Shadow the Hedgehog, like, the video game, playable in the living room!”

Genji’s muffled voice emitted from the hay. “More like the _dying_ room.”

McCree looked at Reyes for a very long time. Now his news didn’t seem that important. Moira was breathing through her mouth in anticipation before correcting herself. If she wanted first dibs to play Shadow the Hedgehog she couldn’t be acting like a goddamn heathen.

In the living room, other cult members passed through, carrying cold air with them as they went. Since it wasn’t McCree’s turn to play yet, he took this time to watch them. Mostly, he was scared, curious though if he could spot someone he knew… Maybe another survivor… Additionally, McCree sought Sombra from before. She was a bearer of valuable information, and a contender for the Critic’s godhood. After all, a gamer could be considered a type of deity.

As he watched the passerby pensively, McCree tuned out of the backseat gaming and hollering from his fellow Blackwatch members. In a split second, a cold air washed over him fully. He shivered.

Before he could even think, Genji screamed. _The Walker_ , he thought.

Tall, looming, and hunched, much like the branches of a weeping willow - the Nostalgia Critic presented his massivest form to the four of them. And his nostalgic feet crushed the television playing Shadow the Hedgehog the game with frightening ease. Moira backed away. Reyes somersaulted to the side. And Genji only shat in shock. McCree could barely move. All around him, the other cult members gathered, huffing loudly into his ears, hot breath contrasting cold atmosphere. They all sang, and it was something none of them would ever forget,

“O Doug, O Doug. O Doug, O Doug.”

The chant continued until McCree was sure his ears rung. Walker laughed heartily.

“Helloooo everybody, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don’t have to,” he spoke clearly, sonorously. And McCree was sent flying 3,000 feet back.

As his body made contact with the cult walls, he was ready to drop to his doom, but the Walker only pulled him in. Did… did the Walker know? He couldn’t have, could he?

“What… do you _want_ , Critic?” McCree wheezed. He could hardly hear the other three - his _friends_ \- cry out to him.

“O Doug, O Doug” sang the unknown cultists, and he was sure he could see Meg from _Hercules_ flashing through his mind. Suddenly, Garfield, and his whole body numbed. It was so sudden, he didn’t know what was going on. It was the very last thing McCree would have expected. He thought from here, everything would start going up.

_I remember it so you don’t have to! I remember it so you don’t have to! I re-_

“Oh, nothing, sorry,” Critic smirked smugly. “I didn’t mean to send you flying back like that, Gllric. We cool?” The Walker’s outstretched hand met with a pained McCree. He was going to fucking kill him, as soon as he could feel his legs again.

“Oh,” Genji laughed. “That’s kind of funny.”

“I’m glad you think so!” The Walker smiled at him endearingly, and only Reyes and Moira and McCree could detect the underlying madness. Reyes reached for Genji and pulled him from the Nostalgia Critic’s center of gravity. “Well, I just wanted to invite Gllric, and I suppose the rest of you, to come see Islands tonight.”

McCree involuntarily shook. So, somehow Doug was unaware that McCree and Sombra had plans. He watched the tyrant with half-lidded eyes. There was a bleak moment of silence and darkness as McCree struggled to maintain consciousness. The power of the Walker was unmatched, even when he wasn’t attempting to exert it. McCree made his way to his feet. Perhaps, the Critic had meant to throw him like a ragdoll, and was only playing mind games.

“Sure, I’d love to come,” McCree breathed heavily.

Moira couldn’t stop herself from gasping. She held her tongue as the Walker’s monstrous voice echoed once more.

On his words, the crowd of the chanting cultists dispersed. “It’ll be a great Islands concert.”

McCree smiled. “Your last- As a mortal.”

The Walker was resuming a less godlike form as McCree uttered his shaky retort. He cocked his head, with a wisened smirk that made McCree feel a hideous sense of nostalgia. The cowboy watched as the bastard made his leave. In his place, Sombra rose, like from the ashes of a phoenix.

“Sombra!” McCree said. “You came back!”

Which was a weird thing to say. She never said she would leave. Still, she responded in kind, running up to him and giving him a sibling hug. “Of course I did!”

Reyes was trying to glue the television back together to see if his Shadow the Hedgehog the game file had saved. Although Moira knew it was fruitless, she let him live in a little fantasy world. As she opened her mouth to ask who this strange purple woman was, Genji interrupted her:

“Whoa! Who’s that pretty lady?”

Moira’s glare didn’t stay on him long enough to launch fully charged lazers at him, “taking care” of him for good. 

McCree pointed to her with his three hands. “This is Sombra! She-”

“We can’t talk about it here,” Sombra snapped her fingers and the broken television became a working microwave. “Now we can.” The microwave popped open, and the Shadow the Hedgehog disc was completely cooked. Reyes cried softly, as now his save file was gone for good. “You see, at this concert a hair of star Nick “Diamond” Thorburn must be obtained. This could change the essence of the very game we’re playing.”

She watched a weeping Reyes. “Oh, poor choice of words.” Sombra slid the cooked CD from its perch and took a gentle bite into it. “It makes The Walker vulnerable for about five minutes - the perfect time to strike!” She handed the rest of the CD to Genji, who ate it all in one go. “McCree’s probably got a pretty good plan by now, though.”

“Haha…” McCree started sweating bullets- he hadn’t done a damn thing so far. “Right… uh, my plan…” He took off his cowboy hat and used it to fan himself, which revealed the smaller cowboy hat he hid underneath the first, “Whew… is it hot in here or is it just me? Haha… Soo hot in here,” His voice cracked periodically and he felt the room begin to quake.

“ **I laid you in my Minecraft sheets and you don’t have a plan yet?** ” Sombra’s powerful voice nearly ripped his flesh off. 

“I’ve got a plan for you!” Genji did a little diddy to get Sombra’s attention. It worked, but only because he sang the first three notes to “Two by Two” from the classic musical, _The Book of Mormon_ , music and lyrics by Trey Parker. Everyone loves that musical. 

“I’ve also got a plan,” Moira was trying to say, but started to think about how she didn’t get to try the Shadow the Hedgehog game snack. She picked another game from one of the coat pockets she had sewn into her fancy new outfit, and popped it in the microwave. She didn’t check what game it was though, and that was her final mistake.

“Well?” Sombra tapped all three of her feet impatiently. “I’m waiting.”

“So here’s my plan. Are you ready for my plan?” Genji was so excited he was bouncing off the floor like a guy who was bouncing off the floor. “We all go in wearing funny disguises, just like with Antonio, and we walk backstage before the concert starts. We kill Alden while we still have the chance, and we snatch the wig off Thorburn.”

“H,” That was all McCree had to say, because it was a great plan but he really wanted to see Islands live. So he pretended the plan sucked. “That plan sucks!”McCree hollered, causing Genji to cry into the popcorn bag he was suddenly holding. “We should wait until, uh, my da- Nick Thorburn performs a few songs first. Like at _least_ 4 albums. Because…. Um…” He crossed his arms and thought for a moment, “Wait, why do you assume Alden is there?” 

Genji only smiled wisely and did a little jig. McCree sighed, “You done?”

“My work here is done,” Genji’s body jerked as though possessed, but he was merely “getting down” as the kids call it.

Reyes was in a cold sweat. “Well, it could be because, heh,” he retrieved something from his fancy coat pocket. “I have this…” It was a copy of ‘Livin’ in the Country’. McCree gasped. Alden was _definitely_ seeking whoever possessed such an artifact.

“Can I… Can I touch it? Like just for a few seconds?” He was shaking, and his sweaty hands reached out for it feebly. 

“No- NO, you can’t touch it,” Reyes quickly returned the disk to his immense pockets, “Jesus, show some self-respect.” 

Moira’s treat finally came out of the microwave. It was Kingdom Hearts, and so she had no choice but to sob while eating it. “What’re we supposed to do before the concert?” She said through tears.

Sombra smiled fondly. “Now we can play 20 questions.” And Jesse wept tears of joy, for his calls had finally been answered. He pulled out his 20 questions machine and they all had a fun and great time playing… until the time of the concert.


	9. Chapter Nine: Chpater 9, the Ninth Chapter

“Is it an animal?” Genji placed a yellow turn-skip UNO card in the hay.

Moira sighed angrily. “No, stop asking that question. It isn’t going to suddenly become an animal!” She was also pissed because he skipped her turn AGAIN.

“Heh. One day it will be,” Genji played another card for absolutely no reason.

McCree was getting pretty tired of playing their weird fusion game, 20 UNOS, where they played 20 questions and UNO at the same time. “When’s the concert again?” He asked hollowly.   
“Is it Vriska? And just check the time, McCree,” Sombra said, throwing down a card and watching Moira howl in anguish as Sombra somehow correctly guessed what Moira was thinking of. 

McCree sat there confused for a moment before a watch apparated on his wrist. It said in big letters “It’s time for the concert!!!!!” and he let out a little gasp. Without even alerting the rest of them, he bolted out of the room at top speed. 

On his way, he collided with someone else and tumbled to the floor. He blinked and looked up The Walker- the man seemed taller and loomed over him horribly. 

“Oh.. Gllric,” The Walker smiled pleasantly, “It’s a good thing I found you- I actually have a gift for you,”

“...A gift?” McCree rubbed his head and tried to stand. He avoided eye contact as The Walker reached into his pocket and pulled out something small, and orange. His eyes widened and he could feel tears welling up. “Is- is that…” For a few moments his mouth went dry.

“Yeah, it’s garfy baby,” Doug held it out tenderly and tilted his head, “You didn’t think I’d forget your favorite lasagna-loving cat, did you?” McCree bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. Why was he even mad at Doug? It wasn’t even his fault those 20 buffoons killed themselves, they made that choice. And he had even remembered Garfield… His chest fluttered and he slowly reached out towards the palm-sized Garfield. 

Ignoring the building nausea that gnawed at him, McCree turned the figure over in his hands. A laugh escaped his tight throat, “It’s the discontinued figure I wanted all those years ago…” He managed a smile, “How did you get this?” 

Doug shrugged and shook his head, “You know me, I have my ways,” He opened his arms and gestured for McCree to bring it in. “I know you’ve been mad at me, but…” His eyes met with McCree’s, “You know I care about you, even through all these years,”

McCree looked back down at the figure then up at Doug, who only waved his hands once more. As he stepped forward, something at the back of his mind told him to stop. His grip on the figure slipped slightly and he backed away. “Stop,” McCree whispered, and he clenched his fists before moving away quicker. “I… I know what you’re doing,” He struggled to keep moving, watching in horror as The Walker remained stationary. The figure fell to the floor with a dull thump. 

“Oh, don’t be like that,” The Walker said and motioned for a third time. McCree could swear he hadn’t blinked this entire time. “Some part of you still wants to come back, I can tell,” He took a step forwards and glanced down at the figure. “It’ll be different this time- better,” 

“STOP!” McCree grabbed his head and curled in on himself. He couldn’t stop himself from screaming, “I hate you! Don’t come near me!” The Walker clicked his tongue. 

“You’re still such a child,” His voice was low and he dropped his arms as he advanced closer. “Still so ungrateful,” Perhaps he continued, but McCree couldn’t tell anymore. He managed to get his shaky legs to move and ran away- in what direction he wasn’t sure. 

He only stopped running when he comically ran into Reyes, who was standing next to all of their friends near the backstage door. Reyes didn’t notice at first, but when he dropped a penny on the floor he saw McCree there too. “Oh howdy,” he imitated McCree’s voice perfectly. “Where have you been? We have to sneak into the back of the concert like now. I have more disguises.” He brought out funny outfits for all 5 of them to be dressed as one TF2 character of their choosing. Moira was Medic, Genji didn’t put on anything, Sombra was Spy, and Reyes was dressed as Heavy. It would be the smartest thing ever if Genji actually put on his costume. 

“I ran into Doug. He’s…” McCree paused and mulled over his thoughts for a few moments. “Maybe this isn’t such a smart idea.”

“This is the smartest thing we’ve come up with today,” Moira was doing a little diddy because she was also picking the lock to the backstage door. Her nails were long enough so it was basically just child’s play. “Pick a character. We don’t have a lot of time. Thorburn’s almost at the intermission.”

“The intermission?” McCree had to do some math but remembered that math sucked. “The concert should have just started.” 

“Someone’s using dark magic to make him sing really fast!” Genji was hollering and crying on the floor. “Aaaaaugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Shit,” McCree cursed and looked over at Reyes, “Do you still have that disk?” 

Reyes patted his pocket, “Yeah, why?” Though as soon as he said it he realized was McCree was getting at. “Oh, this kind of sucks,” he said. Sombra looked around, seeing if she could narrow down Alden’s coordinates. She scowled, and pulled up a holo-screen in front of her. 

“He’s hiding himself well,” she murmured to herself. The singing only became faster and she gasped before beginning to type furiously, “We have less time than we thought,” McCree inhaled slowly and collected himself before responding. 

“I’ll get the hair, you guys find Alden and keep him away,” They nodded and a loud click resounded from the door Moira had just successfully unlocked. He looked at them all one last time and crouched through the door, tiptoeing towards Nick “Diamond” Thorburn himself. 

The sound waves from the sheer speed of the music pushed back at him, and he braced himself and continued on. Their force almost made his very bones ache, and it only worsened as he drew closer. Within inches of the legend, McCree looked up and couldn’t help but be starstruck for a moment. He jolted up and plucked a hair from the sacred Thorburn scalp without thinking, and froze as the concert grinded to a holt and the spotlight shifted to his sweaty form. 

The words tumbled out before he could stop them, “H-hey… will you be my… dad?” Nick looked over with sheer bewilderment, unable to form a response. McCree stared back with his mouth open, and hesitated a moment before taking another hair for himself and attempting to flee the scene. 

“Not so fast,” A new, and oddly familiar voice piped up from the back of the crowd. McCree and Nick gasped in sync and McCree nearly fainted from the thought of them being synchronized in that moment. The crowd parted around Alden like the red sea and he leisurely approached the stage. “I’ll decide when this concert ends,”

“ _Alden_ ,” Nick spat, bringing the microphone away from his face, “What are you doing here?”

“You know why I’m here,” Alden shot himself up towards the stage using powerful magic. McCree almost turned into goo, but the Thorburn hairs gave him the most godly legs in the universe. Alden got really close to both Nick and McCree before growling, “So which one of you has Livin’ In the Country?”

McCree’s vision warped and suddenly they were all in an RPG! Alden stood on the right side of McCree’s field of view and he was suddenly wearing a giant cloak and hovering 20 feet off the ground. Some might call that ‘flying’, but not our funny cowboy. McCree was also suddenly holding a big sword and a gun, which was nothing new now that he thought about it. Moira, Sombra, Reyes, and Genji all appeared behind McCree, all with different clown outfits. An 8-bit rendition of Island’s _Creeper_ played in the back. 

“ **I need that disk. Why don’t you make this easier on yourselves and hand it over now?** ” Alden’s voice shook the screen and Genji’s status was changed from “Funny Cyborg” to “Goo pile”, meaning that he couldn’t do anything but wallow for one turn. 

“Reyes said, ‘I liked it!’” McCree said, hoping to get Reyes to say his line. Instead Reyes was trying to figure out how to set his boots on fire using his newfound powers. It was McCree’s turn, so he ignored that Reyes was trying to be funny and swung his massive giant huge sword to kill Alden. It missed by a hair, and he instead comically sliced a nearby turkey.

“ **Foolish cowboy** ,” Alden used his turn to begin charging up an all powerful spell that would destroy everyone in three turns. “ **I hope you got to play Shovel Knight: Specter of Torment while you were alive, because you will never get the opportunity again**!” 

“That attack is going to kill everyone in three turns!” Moira shouted and activated her special move: a god summon. A white light emitted from the ceiling with a cloud of smoke, and cloaked in a heavenly aura was everyone’s favorite guy: Saber. Just kidding, Saber and Moira stopped being friends after a fight in Starbound, so instead it was just Moira again but with a funny hat. Hat Moira unleashed a purple beam that poisoned Alden with its sheer magnitude. It would do 5 damage per 3 turns so it was essentially useless, but one of her only moves other than god summon. “5 damage everyone!” she hollered excitedly, clasping her long hands. 

Now, it was Genji’s turn- but he’s goo. So they just had to skip over to Reyes’ turn. But, it was kinda funny because Goo Pile Genji made some goo noises for his turn.

Reyes had 3 moves, and all 3 of them were the exact same. He would just have to burn Alden and hope for the damnedest best. He shot 3 fireballs, but somehow he missed every single one. Alden wasn’t even moving, he was checking his Facebook. Burn still applied to Alden anyway.

Sombra was admittedly the strongest one there, but she was wearing a new outfit that was just a fancy mage outfit, so she was all sensitive and shy. She had 4000 moves so she just selected one at random and hoped for the best. “Uhh… let’s see… I don’t remember what this one does…” Suddenly, a pocket sized walrus descended and honked. She smiled fondly. “Now I do!” Alden took 500 force damage. 

“Augh!” Alden howled. Luckily for him he still was in the thousands for health. 

The pixel crowd cheering in the back was all Nick, thousands of tiny little cheering Thorburn heads. Alden’s turn passed as he continued to charge his powerful beam, and the music sped up as it looped back to McCree’s turn. 

McCree was in a cold sweat because everyone expected a lot from him because he whiffed his turn the first time. The Twitch chat in his head was going absolutely ballistic and telling him to delete his streaming account. But like the days of yore, he had to abandon the Kappas and the PogChamps and do what he did best: Fire a gun. He pulled out “Peacekeeper”, which after 4000 years of leveling it was now renamed to “Godslayer and Killer of Aldens” and took one shot because his hands were too sweaty to load in the other bullets.

The holy bullet pierced Alden in his kneecaps. Like it looped around and took out both. Alden howled in anguish and fell to the floor, still bravely charging his massive beam. Alden took a lot of damage but it was still only a fraction of his health bar. Reyes patted McCree on the back like a pawpaw would and McCree took 3 friendship damage. Now he only had 2 health points left. 

Shame they didn’t have a healer. Anyway, it was back to Moira’s turn and she merely chuckled, “God summon, anyone?” A second funny hat Moira materialized and mimicked the laugh. No one was sure what they were supposed to do. Her poison was on cooldown so she just stared at Sombra. 

“Genji time!” Genji was back to normal and everyone tried to hide their fear. Genji was unfortunately a glass cannon, he had 1 HP (just like Sans) but one glare at Alden would instantly destroy him. Genji was being rowdy though so he just scuttled over to Alden and did a little funny dance. Though wounded now in the soul, Alden only took 3 points of damage. 

“Why didn’t you do anything useful?” McCree shouted at the Genj. Now Genji’s status was “all pissed off”.

“Heh. It will make sense later.” It wouldn’t make sense later. “Now die.” Genji did the glare at his own teammate, sending McCree’s health into the negatives and knocking him unconscious. 

Reyes watched in horror. If he hadn’t drank the last revival potion for funsies because it made him dizzy then he could have helped. “I’ll uh,” he chuckled nervously, “Fireball,” he said in Pitbull’s voice (the former 70th president). This time one of them hit and Alden burst into flames. On impact it did 50 damage, and would do 20 more every turn. 

Now Sombra was less shy, but still wasn’t sure which moves to use. She couldn’t let them all think she wasn’t confident and sexy though. “I know just what to use!” she said. Once again a tiny little walrus appeared before them as if he had come from the heavens. Its honk was more powerful than the last! She had forgotten it stacks. “Hell yeah! 5,000 damage! Sombra carry!” Sombra did a small taunt, which inflicted an additional 5 damage. 

It was Alden’s turn but he was charging his laser. He took 500000 damage from the combined Burn and Poison effects. Then it was McCree’s turn but he was dead. Luckily for Cowboy McGee, he had a little funny ring in his pocket that brings him back if someone within 10 feet of him has Livin’ in the Country. He sat up suddenly and gasped for air, and looked at the little ring. Engraved in the silver was the famous catchphrase of everyone’s favorite TF2 guy, Spy, “Curiosity, interest, and obsession — mile markers on my road to damnation.” McCree loved when he said that in the movie.

“Haw haw!” Genji hawed. “Passed out on the floor again like a little cowardly idiot! This is why no one thinks you’re sexy and why I’m a chad.” He flexed and everyone within the vicinity lost their morale. 

Coming back to life (bring me back to life) took up all of McCree’s turn so it was Moira Hour. She tried god summon again but this time a god actually came out! It was Lucio! He looked all pissed off. 

“I’m all pissed off,” Lucio said before noticing where he was. “Oh shit. Did I miss an Islands’ concert?” He looked Alden up and down before grimacing. “Gross!”

Lucio’s critique was so powerful it almost sent Alden into orbit. He then walked back through the portal and told Moira never to call again. She said she wouldn’t but she most certainly would. He’s on speed dial so he will likely be butt dialed within the hour. 

Genj time. Before Genji could do some stupid bullshit, Reyes clasped his shoulder with immense power. “Genji,” he spoke forebodingly, “For the love of god. Just fucking hit him.”

“I don’t wanna! Tee hee!” Genji was being all bashful for no reason. “It’s just so much fun to do little dances!”

Reyes had enough though. “Genji, I know you’re being funny now because you were forbidden from doing dances when you were with the Shimada clan, and that Hanzo bullied you for your weak ass moves. Well, he was right. You should stop dancing forever. It’s just painful to watch.”  
Genji smiled fondly. “Thanks, Dad. You always know exactly what to say.”

“H,” Reyes said. Genji had a big stupid grin on his face as he unleashed his ultimate move on poor stupid Alden. 

In an unexpected twist and turn of events, Genji had **fully charged** his ultimate move. He activated it, and everyone was forced to see a cutscene of him executing it. I can’t really explain it beyond that. He read off a script, and acted out an entire play by himself, the sheer quirky funniness of it sent Alden flying back around the globe 50 times. While Alden was previously at 7 hp, Genji’s ultimate super move of really great and incredible acting power brought it down to 6. They had good chances.

It was Alden’s turn. Moira’s Poison effect did about 5 damage. At a measly 1 hp, Alden was ready to unleash the finishing blow.

Privately, everyone except Genji was blaming Genji. If only his stupid gay move of ‘ultimate power’ did like, 400 damage or something. Like, anything bigger than 1 damage. God. They were gonna kill him for that later. But that was unrelated as now, their lives were over. Alden’s powerful energy was about to strike when……………..

Nick jumped from the crowd! He was dressed like mettaton and shifting around on a stage. He cackled, “I’ll get ya!” And he did. The Thorburn unleashed a hearty slap on Alden’s shoulder (he whiffed it but still hit Alden) that did exactly .9 damage. As is the condition of Alden’s beam, he cannot cast it with less than one hp. 

“Dude, I’m dying,” Alden wheezed. It all came flooding back to Nick at once. 

_“Dude, I’m dying,” Alden coughed on his vegan burger a little. “This is so good,” Nick grimaced and examined the green… food Alden was eating._

_“Yeah. Looks vegan,”_

_“It is!”_

_“Yeah, looks like it,” Nick vacuumed down his own fries and sighed. “I would never kill you if you had less than 2 HP left.”_

 

_“That is so nice,” Alden ate another vegan burger. Nick shook his head. He wished it could be this way forever, but he knew these things don’t last. Especially since he joined that shady Channel Awesome cult on accident. It would probably pass._

As Alden laid dying, Nick glanced at his “I joined Channel Awesome and all I got was this stupid t-shirt!” shirt. The tears escaped his eyes easily and he fruitlessly tried to wipe them away. “I’m so sorry, Alden,” his sobs quaked through his body, “I didn’t mean to join Channel Awesome.” 

“Yeah, that was really dumb and stupid on your part,” Alden smiled. “But at least I know you can’t kill me because of that promise all those years ago.”

“Agoo. Agoo.” Nick was still crying.

“Why don’t we kill Doug… Together?” Alden was pretending that Nick wasn’t ruining his fancy new outfit, which he was.

“Of course… Old friend…” Nick recited the final words of Tord. Together they stood up and everyone was touched by their reunion. 

“Stop being sentimental!” Sombra shouted. “Doug is still out there scurrying about and McCree won’t hand over the hairs needed to stop him!”

They all looked at McCree, who was holding the hairs with desperation. Where’s his heartfelt reunion with his adopted father, Nick? He was crying and sobbing all over the floor. “I’ll only hand them over if Reyes gives me the disc. Only then will I be satisfied.”

They all comically looked at Reyes, who was drawing a picture of Madonna and Child except it was Nick and Alden. He turned around and hawed. “Haw haw. Yeah, you can have it. I already bootlegged it anyhow.” Reyes reached into one of his pockets and went into a cold sweat. The disc wasn’t there. He pulled out a small note instead which read in comic sans, “ **Don’t turn around! Love, Doug.** ” Trying to hide the fact that Doug may be in possession of the disc, Reyes nervously thought of a great and smart lie. “Uhhh…. It’s broken.”

McCree huffed. “Give me the pieces then,”

“He won’t be handing you any pieces, Gllric,” another horrible voice called from the crowd as Reyes was about to hand over some pocket lint to McCree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> something new and exciting soon!!!!!! chapter 10 will give a fulfilling cnclusion to thestorey!


	10. Episode 1: The Sauce! The Sauce!

McCree’s head smiled fondly in a blue void. “Hey paesanos! It’s the Super McCree and Blackwatch Super Show!”

A song starts. The rap music reverberates in McCree’s ears as live action Genji and McCrees walk into the void, seeming to stand on nothing. Their feet made no noise, only the beats of the song sounded true. “We’re the blackwatch brothers, killing’s our game, we’re not like the others who can get all the fame, when someone’s in trouble call us on the double.. We’re faster than the others, you’ll be hooked on the brothers!!” 

Genji and McCree sang this together horribly out of sync, and their live action counterparts did not have mouths, or if they did, these mouths did not move. They merely danced together, on opposing sides of McCree’s cowboy head and the “Super McCree and Blackwatch Super Show” text that had risen to his cries.

Now Genji and McCree made frightening eye contact, if one could even say these “live action” beings could. They raised their hands to the sky - though no one could confirm one existed in this realm - and their voices rang out a resounding “Uh!” But like a grunt kind of. Mario was standing in the background.

Now the reality warped. And it was animated. Still, the entities continued their chant.

“Hooked on the brothers!” the animated versions danced around and committed many crimes. “Yo, you’re in for a treat, so hang on to your seat, get ready for adventure and remarkable feats, you’ll meet Overwatch, Blackwatch, the Walker and the others! Hanging with the killers you’ll be hooked on the brothers!” Genji had stopped mid-lyric and coughed loudly, it seemed as though his power was draining. McCree could not stop rapping to help him. The show must go on.

Now the images showed the four Blackwatch members (animated) riding on a magic carpet. This is not possible, and should not be attempted at home. In the midst of the carnage, the live action Genji and McCree forms, severed from the ankles, proceeded to chase their animated selves, seeking a better life, one not trapped to rap for eternity. As the animated Blackwatch crew found a magic “fire” flower, McCree bravely attained its powers, that seemed to only put him in his wedding attire. Though this was exciting anyway, and the four cheered inaudibly.

The music followed the magic carpeteers, as they attempted to escape its radius. It was fruitless, as the purple void, with McCree’s cowboyish head suspended in a solid-colored void was blocking their path - their final means of escape.

Genji and McCree’s voices could only sadly cry out, “The brothers!” to end their abysmal song.

The story begins in the city of New York, Italy. In the humble McCree and Blackwatch Brothers Killing service building, a slightly disheveled McCree is adjusting his facial hair. A crowd laughs, and, not knowing the source, McCree looks behind him in the bathroom. It was just his brother, Genji, although this green cyborg had not been the one to produce canned laughter. 

McCree smiled uncomfortably, “But as we always say, neatness counts!”

“That’s right, McCree,” Genji said, trying to ignore the canned laughter - for he could hear it too. He was trying to adjust his cyborg plates to no avail. “By the way,” Genji tensed visibly, reaching his trembling hand to McCree’s Blackwatch uniform. “You have a little spaghetti on your shirt.” The cautious Genji removed this pasta item from McCree, who merely stared on blankly.

The laughter grew louder.

“Fuck you, Genji!” McCree said, but as it was a child-friendly program, the laughter seemed to distort this audio so it was mostly up to interpretation. “And you have a little bit of spaghetti sauce on your uh… cyborg body.”

They sweat visibly as another roar of cackles sounded in the area.

To try to ease the growing tension, McCree tacked on, “As usual!” But Genji didn’t laugh.

No, Genji couldn’t have laughed. His eyes grew dark as he shot back, “Really? Your shoes are dirty.” The canned laughing weakened to aching chuckles as Genji proceeded to walk center stage. McCree followed at the same pace.

McCree carried on with quips: “Your socks don’t match!”

Genji wasn’t wearing socks. “You have five cavities.”

McCree actually had six. Before he could geniusly reply with that, a voice emitted from the mirror. “Hello?” called this voice. They both shivered as they recognized it.

Playing dumb, McCree turned to Genji. “Hello?”

“I didn’t say hello,” Genji said, pointing gravely towards the mirror above the sink, from which the voice seemed to be coming from.

“I didn’t either.”

“I did!” And finally McCree had to answer her siren-like calls. Leading them straight to their dooms. They pretended to not know where she was calling to them from to buy some time, but she only directed them. “Over here!”

Opening the cabinet only revealed to them the darkest truth of them all: Mercy was alive, and inside of their bathroom.

She smiled at them from her location. “Hi, are you the Blackwatch brothers?” 

“We’re the Blackwatch _and_ McCree brothers,” McCree whispered, raging. But he could only nod as Genji answered, panic-stricken:

“We sure are!”

McCree gave a breathy addendum, “Whoa, you’re Angela Ziegler…” Her arms outstretched to him in horrid slow-motion, before McCree noticed the script in her hands. He swallowed dryly before continuing. “We watch your show all the time. Genji and I are your biggest fans.” The cowboy was shaking so hard he could hardly stand. His legs gave way and Mercy turned her devil eyes towards Genji instead.

Genji looked down to help his fallen friend and Blackwatch member, but Mercy’s eyes forced him to turn back to her. She showed him his line in the script. “Wh-what are you doing in our medicine cabinet?”

“Well, I’m checking the expiration date on your toothpaste, it’s very important!” In the time Mercy took to bestow upon them soul-binding knowledge, Genji managed to help McCree to his feet. He still could not offer McCree a tissue for the fountain of tears pouring from his eyes.

Genji shifted in search of tissues, but Mercy’s voice made his ears bleed. She smiled once more, flashing her fangs. “Can I come in?” 

Genji looked at her lifelessly. “Sure, c’mon in…”

With great haste, McCree slammed the medicine cabinet shut. When he turned to Genji, his eyes were bloodshot from crying poison tears. Genji could only watch in horror as Mercy puppeteered his legs to take him to the door. McCree cried out for him, but it was too late.

Mercy’s high heels clicked threateningly on the floor as her form apparated in. “It says here,” she pointed one of her claws at the newspaper she manifested, “you guys are the best killers in New York, Italy… and quite possibly the world.”

This information was a moment of hope, a beacon of light in Mercy’s dark labyrinth… But then the laughter struck once more, mocking them. McCree had sobbed all the tears he could, it would’ve been Genji’s turn, had Mercy not surgically removed his tear ducts for this very purpose.

Genji took far too long to respond for Mercy’s tight schedule. She showed him his lines, and the words exited his mouth without his control. “Yes, that is absolutely true. Not only that, but we are also very, very neat and clean. In fact, what do we always say McCree?”

The cold look in McCree’s eyes were met with Genji’s deeply pained reassuring stare. McCree tried to answer naturally. “Uh, h-hey, you slob, that’s my pizza!”

But this ‘answer’ did not please Mercy. As she frowned, the unseen crowd laughed joyously at this development. Genji frantically turned between McCree and Mercy. At his second glance to the all-powerful doctor, her eyes flashed. He elbowed McCree sharply. “McCree… _neatness counts_!”

Shaking, McCree made an effort to turn to Mercy as he said, “Oh, yeah!” He tried to play it off as if he had simply forgotten this crucial phrase in her script.

Mercy folded the newspaper crisply. “Good,” she said curtly. “I need my ‘kitchen sink’ ‘fixed’.”

A sharp pang of fear struck them as they realized ‘Kitchen Sink’ meant ‘Moira’ and ‘fixed’ meant ‘killed’! McCree could feasibly kill Moira, but he had no desire to. Genji had a strong need for blood but could never take Moira on. Together, perhaps they could, and relinquish Mercy’s hold on their establishment.

“Sure, you’ve come to the right place,” McCree improv’d with Mercy’s approval. “We’ll demonstrate right now how good we are, with absolutely _no obligation_!” 

Genji’s heart sank with the realization that McCree was casually and nonchalantly reaching for his spiked club. Mercy didn’t catch on, and tried to hypnotize him, forgetting her sex spells only worked on women. Well, any woman that wasn’t Moira, since Moira had additionally ascended godhood. That was unrelated.

Mercy made a face. “Well, I’m in a hurry. I’m going to a ‘party’ soon.”

Genji tried to motion with his hands for McCree to go faster, but it only made him go slower.

“This’ll only take a second…” the cowboy said. “Hey… as you can see, we have a spiked club. And it, uh… Genji!”

Genji swiftly snatched the club from McCree. He lifted it precariously, and McCree had to stop gesturing frantically to Mercy. “Ah, uh, I’ll stop you.” McCree grabbed the club back.

Mercy grew more impatient. “I _really_ should be ‘going’.”

McCree smiled nervously. “This’ll only take a few seconds!” Genji pulled him aside to mumble at him, making McCree mumble back. They both bickered quietly, repeating, “Give it a second, give it a second” like clowns.

Mercy’s chorus of laughing demons picked up as she boredly twisted her hair. No one else was gonna take the old bat Moira out. She was just taking matters into her own hands. As she recalled her murder plan step by intricate step, Genji had already managed to come up behind her. She didn’t have any time to react when he loudly yelled “FORE!” and swung.

The canned laughter only grew louder.

“Uh oh!” McCree shouted!

Everything faded to black for mere seconds, before Genji’s disembodied voice espoused the wisdom: “Like our commander always said, the customer is always dead!”

Now it faded to black again, perhaps for good. McCree’s head, on a yellow background, superimposed with the Super McCree and Blackwatch Super Show text once more, was suspended in a hellish location once more.

Genji and McCree had to sing again. “Yo, they’re the McCree and Blackwatch brothers, killing’s their game, found the secret warp tunnel in the drain, give the Walker a hand in the Channel Awesome cult,” they proceeded to speak in gibberish for a few moments, then, “you’ll be hooked on the brothers! Now, evil Walker and his walkers are up to misbehavin’, they kidnapped McCree, Blackwatch needs savin’, abusin’ and confusin’ everybody they discover, **_they can’t help but be hooked on the brothers!_ UH!**”

The temperatures were unbearable as Blackwatch trekked through the deep snow.

“Blackwatch law, number 101: the land of ice… Me and my friend Genji had just saved me from the Walker and were looking for the magic that would set humanity free from Nostalgia and get us home to Overwatch,” McCree narrated.

As our heroes steadied themselves in the snow, navigating a path straight to icy civilization, a flying Vinny Vinesauce soared by, making direct contact with one of the many ice protrusions. This little bastard idiot had just gotten back from erecting another Speed Luigi in his theme park, which another -1000 people had gone on.

Moira was tugging Reyes, who sat primly on a sled. She made funny noises in her rage at the blistering cold. Just as she turned to howl at Reyes for the millionth time, Mr. Vinesaurce flew by, and abducted her with his taloned feet. “Little Loogi! Oh, my little Loogi!” cried the Sauce.

Moira sank her own talons into his feetsies, but with no reaction. She had to resort to nonviolence, then. “Hey! Let me go!” she demanded. This was not before she looked down, and came upon the horrific realization that Mr. Sauce was taking her to his theme park.

“IIIII’m warnin’ ya,” she said, sweating as she began to make out the shapes of the green Vined Sauce mushrooms covering the park’s entrance. She howled in despair as the image of the amusement park’s Toad statue began coming into view.

“Help!” Moira called.

Reyes, who had been fully aware and even chuckled darkly as Moira had been raptured, pointed to the Vinesauce and his newly captured Moira. “Oh no! Poor Moira! Bring her back, you dimwitted Vinesauce!”

But it was too late, as Vinny Vinesauce carried Moira away to his land of despair- I mean, fun. 

Reyes once again watched uselessly. So did McCree and Genji, both privately frightened they were next. “Look!” Reyes said. “Vinesauce took Moira to his horrible theme park! Please, McCree-” He pulled McCree’s shirt into an iron grip. “Moira saved my life a hundred times! We’ve GOT to save hers!”

Despite his better judgment, McCree conceded. “Don’t worry, commander! Genji and me’ll walk into that theme park before you can say spaghetti and meatballs!”

McCree lead the way, but Genji held back. He cried out, “I can’t! I’m allergic to roller coasters!”

This only fueled McCree’s lust for blood. “Okay! You wait there, and when you become lunch for Toad, don’t blame us!”

Toad’s sounds echoed in Genji’s mind. “T-Toad? Lunch?” These two things terrified Genji greatly, causing him to shuffle through the snow and catch up with McCree and Reyes.

Vinny Vinesauce still had Moira trapped in his clutches, ignoring her screams. “Whoa!” she shouted, as Vinesauce dropped her into the park. As the Sauce flew circles around her in the air, he said, “Welcome to Vinesauce Land. We’ve got clowns, we’ve got frowns. We got a rollercoaster that will kill either you or the people below you.” And Moira knew her life was over.

The ‘Sauce’ swiftly nosedived to the hellish ground of his Land. “Oh, Loogi, my darling Loogi,” he said, somehow believing Moira to be his roller coaster ‘Speed Luigi’. “Give Vinny a kissums!” Moira had been lengthening and sharpening her talons in secret, but she couldn’t draw them quick enough to avoid Vinesauce’s powers.

“What are you trying to do? _Drown me_?” Moira asked, even though Vinesauce hadn’t done anything just yet. 

Mr. Sauce merely smiled. “Vinesauce missed his Speed Loogi so much!”

“Speed Loogi?” Moira had only heard horror stories about this attraction. “But isn’t it right th-”

As she attempted to look over at the Speed Loogi despise the headlock Vinesauce had her in, Moira realized he only tightened his grip. To her dismay, shock, and other emotions she had removed her ability to feel, Moira saw the Speed Loogi was no longer there. 

“Oh! You’re such a jokester!” Vinny Vinesauce pulled Moira into a hug.

Although her skin started to burn from physical affection, Moira was too distracted to pull away. _Where had the Speed Loogi gone?_ Also, where the hell was the rest of Blackwatch when she needed them? The tight clutches of the Sauce relinquished their hold on her. As the ringing in her ears and pounding in her head stopped, Moira realized the Sauce’s phone was ringing.

“Now, where did I put that telephone?” Vinny Sauce asked himself, gesturing vaguely over an array of items. Moira watched in horror as his quaking hands continuously dodged the phone. In the distance, she could hear Toad sounds.

Moira peaked into the distance while the Sauce located his phone. She took a few steps toward the exit, only to hear the sounds of the Mehrio song. In her mind, Moira figured that Reyes had taken McCree on a guilt trip in order to get him to come save her. Genji wasn’t in her mind’s eye because she liked to forget about him.

As she returned to reality, Vinesauce was telling the “Missing Coaster Bureau” to call off the search, as he had found his missing “Speed Loogi”. He lifted up a milk carton Moira was sure wasn’t there before, and stared fondly at the Speed Loogi photo on the side. 

Hanging up the phone, he forced her to look at it. “It was a terrible photo of you anyway, Loog.”

Moira gasped in shock. The ride was literally right in the photo and looked nothing like her. How had he presumed it was her? The rage that was originally just a migraine took over and she swatted the carton out of his hands. “I’m _not_ your little Loogi!”

There were a few moments of silence as the Vinesauce stared her down. Which was pretty hard considering she was very tall and had quite long hands. Vinny Vinesauce merely laughed. Although they were getting further away from the exit now, she could still hear the Mehrio song. “Oh, Loog, stop kidding around! Give Vinesauceland a hug!” 

She realized in a split second that Vinesauce was taking her to where the missing Speed Loogi ride had once been. Moira swiftly freed herself from his grip and leapt for the exit. Somehow, she ended up by Toad, whose screams filled her ears.

“Oh, _this_ is a fun game…” Although it was merely the Vinesauce in his dulcet, harmonious 60 voices, something about the atmosphere made Moira feel nostalgic. It was probably nothing. Her life returned to feeling like a horror movie as the Sauce chanted. “Kissums, kissums, kissums are a-coming.”

She booked it, scuttling from Vinesauce as he attempted to return “loogi” from whence he came. Moira quickly located a ball pit. _Perfect_ , she thought, and the small Moira in her mind gave her a high five. Just as Moira was getting closer, an entire coaster of people landed in the pit, bouncing off and spinning mid-air. She stared, mouth agape. 

Vinny Vinesauce, carrying a cardboard cutout of Animal Crossing star Scoot approached her. Another coaster of people landed by the exit to the park, their bodies flying across the hideous Vinesauce mushrooms which lined it. Feeling they may be her last words, she said, “I’ve got to get out of here!”

Reyes, Genji, and McCree had only been walking for like 6 minutes. Their trails of footsteps carried on for hours it seemed. The snow, well, there was a lot of it. Genji was starting to get icicles on his visor. The gang walked in silence, lest McCree throw a tantrum over Genji or Reyes walking ahead of him again. As McCree almost slipped on the snow and tumbled back down the elevated snowy plains, a rumble emitted from the ground. 

In seconds, part of the ground cracked. They all screamed. Tumbling over as their portion of land slid, Genji gave a weak, gay, “Yow!”. Reyes effortlessly scrambled through the snow to the edge of cliff. 

“Oh, no!” he said homosexually. “We’ll _never_ save Moira now!”

“Sounds good to me,” Genji smiled, turning back.

McCree smacked his little cyborg shoulder and pulled him back. Reyes watched him sternly. Genji quickly changed his approach. He put his head in his hands and sobbed openly. 

“She was the nicest little fungus I ever knew,” Genji said whatever popped into his head.

McCree took Genji’s feigned weakness as an opportunity to flex on the haters. “Genji! We can’t quit now!” His massive cowboy fingers pointed at Genji almost knocked him over. “Remember the Blackwatch motto!”

Genji just as fast pretended he hadn’t even been crying. “Who could forget? Don’t take chances or you’ll go down the drain!”

Reyes smiled fondly at their teamwork. But, as it turned out, that wasn’t the answer McCree was looking for. “No! When the pipe is plugged, keep plunging!”

McCree raised both fists to the sky. “Pastaaa power!”

He began to run away from the edge of the cliff, then run back. They knew what he was trying to do, but McCree kept slipping on the snow and tumbling around. Neither Reyes nor Genji really wanted to help. It was kind of funny watching the cowboy roll around like a dumbass. Eventually McCree did it correctly, giving a great leap over the gap in the ground.

“C’mon, commander, you can do it, too!” McCree reassured.

Reyes looked at Genji, but Genji was memorizing his lines for the big audition. He sighed and ran a little back, but-

“No, no, you have to say ‘pasta power’, then do it,” McCree said desperately.

“Pasta power,” Reyes uttered weakly, jumping expertly across the gap like a fucking idiot.

Genji’s script papers were whisked out of his freezing cyborg hands by the wind. He noticed his friends Reyes and that other guy on the opposite side of the cliff. Genji gulped and pulled at the shirt collar that manifested on his neck. “Mama mia,” he genji’d.

Instead of jumping, Genji thought it would be easier to teleport, so he did. Somehow he still almost fell off the cliff. McCree pulled him up and his disembodied voice spoke before his mouth started moving: “see? I told you we’d be perfectly safe.” McCree forced reyes and Genji to follow behind him again as they trekked towards Vinesauce land.

On a cliff edge several feet above them, some creatures known as Widowmaker and Ashe watched the homosexuals below. “It;s them,” Widowmaker said in a horrible voice. “McCree and his new friends that aren’t Walker-approved.”

Ashe stopped looking at the stowaway garfield figure in the snow and said to Miss Window MAker “C’mawn, let’s tell The Walker so he will put them on ice for good.”

They stumbled gayly into their skies and started skiing down the hill. STUPID by BROCKHAMPTON started playing. Just for fun, I guess.

The icy caverns were encased further in extravagant structures of ice and snow, constructed by King Critic’s hour long musical rendition of his hatred for an extremely old Christmas cartoon. It had not been yet released, for after discovering its ice-castle-creating properties, he decided it was no longer presentable to the average man. The Walker was monologuing in a kingdom of his own making. 

“Well at last you two powderpuffs did something right!” Ashe and Widow had arrived in their cloaks as he said this, and assumed it was about them. 

“Thaank you your most royal and Nostalgic Walkerness,” Ashe guffawed. 

“Watch it, Soldier,” the King said to the photograph of Soldier from Team Fortress 2 on his nightstand to get him really pissed off. Then, an unrelated tangent. “When I want my feet licked I’ll ask for it!” Widow and Ashe nodded. “...I want my feet licked.” **Absolutely nothing else happened after this point. Widowmaker and Ashe Cowgirl watched The Walker continue.** “This will be the _last time_ those Blackwatch brothers monkey-wrench into my evil plans! Hehauhuhah.” The Walker pulled out a device he bought at Vinesauceland last month. It would send messages to all those he had chipped. “Attention Channel Awesome cult! It’s airway time!” Though no one was sure he actually said that, especially, Junkrat, who was levitating through the air when he heard the Nostalgic call.

He descended, and a legion of rats descended with him.

Meanwhile, Vinny Vinesauce was singing the Mehrio song to an extremely unfortunate Moira. Suddenly, Moira snapped. “I can’t be your little Loogi, Sauce! I am not a rollercoaster! Look! No rollercoaster, no Loogi! I’m just a _mushroom_ that can’t stand heights!” She snortled smorgly. “That last part was unrelated.”

The Scoot statue lit up like a Christmas tree. An echoic _HE WON’T LET US_ played in both their minds as night fell. “Almost forgot,” Mr. Sauce yortled. “It’s time for me to close down the park…”

He took Moira throughout the little avenues and the frightening crevices of his theme park. “Scoot is so beautiful at night.” The Mehrio song and a cacophony of Toad noises and blood curdling screams filled the air. Moira wondered where he friends were at a time like this. 

McCree, Reyes, and Genji were climbing the steep cliff of holographic ice. Genji kept making unfunny one-liners and zingers. At least, Reyes and McCree kept saying they weren’t funny, but then they’re bust out laughing like Genji was a stand-up comedian. When Genji said, “I could use this to my advantage,” they stopped laughing once and for all.

A strange booping followed them as they climbed. The blistering cold was Merciless against their Business Major cosplays. “It’s not even that cold outside,” Reyes said.

The cliff strangely formed almost a set of stairs for them to climb now. Each time the three would jump, a horrible resounding “boing”-esque noise would echo through the world. “If we bounce any more, we might just start an avalanche!” McCree said this through ventriloquy. 

Genji started bouncing and bouncing and bouncing and bouncing and

“I just hope we can reach Moira before something terrible happens!” Reyes said, nudging McCree. Genji laughed. “Or, to us!” Genji said on the same dialogue paragraph.

“Get your own dialogue line, Genji,” McCree shoved him. 

“My own? How?”

Just then, a flying Junkrat dropped one of his stupid mines to explode on the snow in front of them. To their and the Rat’s surprise, the mine gained sentience and a physical form. It had red eyes, and ghost-white arms and legs. It just stood there for a few seconds, giving them time to react.

“M-M-McCree!” Genji yurbled. “It’s a mine!”

The cowboy merely weakened. “And I was hoping for a nice salami sandwich.” The stock audience had to laugh.

 

McCree approached the anthropomorphic mine and simply slapped it, but his arm was good so the mine was sent out back to the flying Junkrat and exploded on impact. Reyes watched the carnage with a blank expresssion. “Oh no! King Critic must have found us!”

Genji pointed with his three arms. “Look out! Here comes a squadroon of The Critic’s Rats!”

The squad shrougled down, snirgling and froigling. And many other things I may not repeat, for the Rats are very private creatures. McCree kept slapping them, clearing tjhem a path to the Walker’s ice fortress. “Boy, you’re slappy!” Genji churngyled.

“Stupid, we are going to wrong way! You have to go to Vinesauceland!” Reyes slapped McCree and he just slapped back. And then they slapped the mines over the Vinesauceland. 

The great Vinesuace came to visit them himself. “Welceom to vinesuaceland.. We got clonws and frowns.”

In the background of this Moira was saying, “Look, Vinny Vinesauce, I got 10 gold coins. They’re yours if you just let me go!”

Reyes pointed behind the sauce, past Moira. “Look, a Fire Flower!”

The cowboy snurglekd. “I’m hungry enough to eat anything!”

“No,” his commander and loving papaw said. “It’s magic. If you can reach it, you can become a Super Mario!”

“Okay…?” McCree ignored him as Moira did what she could’ve done some time ago if only she had remembered she had gold coins she stole from Genji.

Moira paid the fee and was let free. Vinesauce swallowed the coins whole and said… “Ill take you to king Critic.”

Reyes continued, “And get special Fire Power that can destroy The Walker’s evil helpers!”

Mccree ignored him. Genji said he would do it, but reyes ignored him. Everyone ignored Genji… He faded from existence. **3/4 remaining.**

Moira looked at the Sauce simplerly. “Oh… Of course…”

But while everyone was filling out the forms the Sauce put out in order to make sure thye didnt steal his genius idea of having a battle of the bands, Genji apparated in the Critics room.

Genji and his clone that had apparated in with him and had been cloned during his teleportation started doing paddycake. “Paddycake paddycake, pasta man, give me pasta powr as fast as you can!” His incantation meant nothing. “Woah!” Genji ‘d. The critic howeer was less than please.d

“How did you rascales get in here!” He tried to swipe at them with his long claws but hilariously missed. 

“We’re here to keel you and do a battle of the bands! Pasta power!” With that, Genji 2 let Genji 1 be boosted by his strong arms in an incredible spin-leap, towards the fire flower Doug kept encased in his room like in Beauty and the Beast. 

“ **You must not touch that** ,” the Critic uttered, frightening the Genji’s to apparate back to Reyes, McCree and Moira. 

Genji appeared, back in one piece, with his new Fire Flower power up! “I love when that happens!” He just started shooting fireballs willy-nilly, tearing through the snow, the ice, the rides of the simple Vinesauceland, and the very fabric of the universe itself.


	11. Chapter 11

A pair of hefty wings sprouted from The Walker's shoulder blades and he ascended to perch atop the theater balcony. The party watched as thousands of feathers shed from him and coated the floor beneath endlessly. He laughed and held the sacred disc above his head. It caught the sparse light and shone down into McCree’s eyes. 

“Is this lesson one you refuse to learn?” The Walker’s toothy grin stood out amidst the surrounding darkness. “I always win, and you always come back,” McCree felt his heart catch in this throat. No words came to him in response.

That all-too-familiar cackle resonated from all sides. “Does your loyalty to me have no bounds? I can’t wait to find out,” The light became increasingly intense and McCree struggled to shield his eyes. “In that dark age you called upon The Walker, and The Walker will deliver you. Morning, noon, and night, you mulled over these things and cried out in your distress, and I heard your voice.” That shift in his voice was indescribable and McCree felt his knees buckle beneath him as his grip on the hairs weakened. 

“McCree!” The rest cried out in desperation, though some invisible force kept them from his side. Another, much louder, cackle sounded again. 

“Can you not command your heart, such a simple organ, to hate me?” Suddenly, The Walker appeared before McCree and crouched to his level. “In your hands you hold the power to kill me, yet you keep away your companions,” He leaned ever closer. “You only know love and the feeling of its absence. Is that any way to live?

“Your heart is pounding- it’s disgusting, that burden of guilt. Yet you’ll never know the betrayals a man such as me is afflicted with. So many of you flocked to me to be your shepard, and I gave you my home.” Sweat poured from McCree, and try as he may he could no longer comprehend the words of his companions. The Walker’s voice plummeted to a whisper, “Still you leave me again and again regardless of my generosity. It truly wounds me.”

The Walker chuckled and gave a solid kick to McCree’s abdomen, revelling in the coughs it incited. “You know,” he said, taking one last look before cocking his gun, “You were like a son to me,” His glasses tipped down as he shook his head. “But even God ended up killing his son,” McCree weakly glanced at Reyes while The Walker aimed his shot, and felt something surge inside him. 

He swung wildly. His fist collided with the gun just before it fired a shot between his knees. “No… You mean… nothing to me anymore-” The quiver in his speech contradicted his renewed confidence. Before he could react The Walker had another gun at the ready.

“Cute.” His frenzied look was only matched with one of confusion. “But, you’re gonna be passing away today- isn’t that crazy?” The Walker’s serpent tongue licked his lips. “Your entire life led up to this one moment. This is your purpose; your purpose is for me. That blows my mind, you know? The universe gave me you.” His ensuing laughter faded into wheezing. “It’s fucking amazing.” 

McCree shivered as the cold, orange barrel of the nerf gun pressed against his forehead. The glint in The Walker’s glasses masked his eyes as he spoke, “Won’t you give the others a message for me when you join them in paradise?” That ever present grin was gone, “Tell them I won’t be coming any time soon; my reign is on earth.” 

Tremors wracked McCree’s body and he squeezed his eyes shut in anticipation of the gunfire. In those few seconds he couldn't help but think how this wasn't like the heroic stories where your life flashes before your eyes. Part of him was relieved, knowing certain things were better left unremembered, but the other side of him felt unsatisfied. He couldn't even recall the faces of his friends right behind him despite their years together. Perhaps, some people truly live to die.  
The gunshot that rang out was deafening, yet the silence afterwards seemed louder. Even worse was the sound of Genji filming a musical.ly right in front of them. His metal joints creaked painfully as he jerked around, and rather than simply mouth the lyrics he opted to sing his synthetic heart out. 

“The bitch came back the very next day,” Genji made direct eye contact with a very-not-dead McCree and lost a sliver of his gusto. “Oh the bitch came back thought she was a goner-” He cut himself off for no real reason. Rather than acknowledge what they assumed to be Genji coping with McCree’s near demise, and the fact that he didn’t bother to pause ‘Bitch Came Back’ by Theory of a Deadman, everyone turned to Nick Thorburn upon hearing his mighty chortles. 

“You should load your guns before you shoot them,” The Thorburn smirked and waved around nerf bullets with “lethal” written in sharpie on the sides. “I took these weeks ago because I would have snapped if you decided to play another impromptu nerf gun deathmatch after the concert.” He laughed again and ate the bullets. 

The Walker hissed before tossing the gun aside and lunging for McCree, snapping his inhuman jaws like a ravenous beast. “I have no need for humanity’s toys when I can rip you to shreds with my BARE HANDS!” McCree barely managed to dodge the monstrosity, one of the Walker’s claws tearing McCree’s deluxe “I’m a Goofy Goober” shirt and drawing a small line of blood on his ribcage. With the speed of a guy who is playing his favorite video game over but he’s gotten to the annoying part of the game so he’s trying to get it over with quickly to enjoy the rest of it in peace, McCree drew his special gun and aimed it at the critic. “Well Doug… Any last words?” he breathed.  
The beast turned around with an awful smile, trembling with raw power. “I’m so glad you asked, McCree!” McCree had no preparation for the raw terror that unraveled before him.

The Walker unhinged his jaw and with his treacherous maw gaped open, thousands and thousands of souls pouring out, and with them an awful symphony of screeching voices blasted the room. It knocked the gun out of McCree’s little hands and the little funny cowboy had to cover his ears. Everyone else followed suit, crumpling to their knees at the sheer volume of Doug’s awful noise. The Walker took this opportunity to scutter towards McCree’s epic gun and swallow it whole. Their last opportunity to kill the monster, taken away in an instant…

EXCEPT Genji just got out of the bathroom. He had no ears so Doug’s attack had no effect on him. Haw haw! 

“Haw haw!” Genji chortled! This was finally his time to shine. He had to take a chonce! Genji was waiting to unleash his final move the whole time…. **STIMPY CLONE JUTSU!!!** McCree took out his notebook and pen to take notes, just in case this would end up as another thing he would have to tell his therapist about. Sir Genji Stimpy Shimada “The Machine” was hurt by this, but decided it would not ruin his day. Despite his decision, however, it still did.

He crossed his disgusting cyborg arms and uncrossed them, before promptly splitting into two Genjis. They then high-fived each other and obliterated the space-time continuum. Now everyone else’s day was ruined too. Yet, the fabric of time being shredded like parmesan cheese over pasta and his hideous clone just fucking existing did not prevent The Walker from seeking carnage. It was just then that something miraculous happened. 

“OK. So, fuck you guys, because I didn’t approve this mission,” Commander Morrison, who evidently did not give up on his Toyota 2005 truck chase, bolted into the room. This didn’t actually do anything though, because The Walker vaporized him on sight and the three geese behind him turned into extremely gorgeous and sexy women. Reyes picked at his face absently as he considered what just unfolded. He calmly walked up to Jesse and put his fatherly hand on Jesse’s shoulder.  
“Hey, um, so.” Reyes started, but he was awful at giving speeches so he stood there silently for a few days. “I know this has been difficult for you, Jesse. Your favorite shirt has just been torn and even if we stitch it, it won’t be the same. And that’s okay. We’ll buy you a new shirt.” 

“Spongebob closed his etsy. We can’t buy another one Reyes,” He stared absently at the floor.

“I guess you’re right. But we can probably get you a better one.” He gave McCree a fond smile. McCree, in that moment, looking up at his father with his stupid torn shirt and the Walker doing a crab walk ominously towards them, realized that Doug Walker didn’t matter. His past didn’t matter. All that was truly important was the fact he still had soy sauce packets and that he gained the exact amount of courage needed to kill the Walker for real.

“Your ‘found family’ means nothing to me, Gllric! I’ll kill you and every mortal left on this wretched planet!” The Walker produced his most deadliest scream and lunged for the final time.

“Kill this, motherfucker!” McCree quickly threw the soy sauce packets in the Walker’s path. Each packet burned and fizzled the beast’s flesh, causing him to howl in pain. Genji and Genji 2 quickly took their chonce, unsheathing their swords and piercing the Walker’s back with a resounding crack to his spine. Moira came up and clawed him to near death with her talons. Each blow left him weaker and weaker, and soon Walker was left as a bloody pulp, melting slowly into the concrete under him. 

“I see… so you’ve killed so I don’t have to.” The Walker uttered weakly. 

Reyes was making a Club Penguin nightcore AMV on his Motorola. “I guess so?” He played the 3 seconds he had so far.

“But don’t worry… there will always be nostalgia. Whenever you miss something, I will be there. You can never truly kill me.” He had an awful smile.

“Yeah, I guess not.” Reyes finished his AMV. “But doing this will be satisfying.” Reyes took his shotguns out. Suddenly, in the mesh of blood and Nostalgia, Reyes thought he saw a weak glimpse of _something_ , feeling perhaps. The Walker spoke.

“Refyb… Gllric… the other ones…” The Genji brothers and Moira weren’t really paying attention. “It isn’t that you shouldn’t kill me, it is just that you won’t. Think about it. For mere seconds with me, can you think of your actions? Truly? Can you fathom the consequences of your every action? I don’t think you can.

If you lose me, you will lose so much with it. I dubbed the Ren and Stimpy theme song. It was funny. You laughed right? Admit you laughed. And then, you’ll lose the Food Fight review. How could you ever listen to my hilarious and realistic portrayal of a meltdown in a garage again, knowing you killed me?

Just think of the effects on the cult. It was coming back.” The Walker coughed weakly, somehow, as his spirit and soul were powerful entities that seemed to manifest more than in his physical form. “ _It was coming back_. And think. It would hurt not only my power over Gllric…” McCree barely shook as he watched Genji and his clone attempt to reform into one Genji. “But the Garfield the Movie review.” This blow was powerful, sending McCree to his knees.

Reyes said, aiming his guns with expertise marksmanship, “Not to be a queer or nothin’, but you gotta die,” and delivered the final blow to the ugly creature. There was no howl this time, no loud sounds. The Walker was just dead. In the pool of his goo, there was a garfield figure, a copy of _Orgazmo_ (1997) dir. Trey Parker, and a spongebob shirt. The silence was deafening.

Genji walked over to the pool of gloop, gingerly picking up the Spongebob shirt. It was really a Tooly I Am King shirt. Then he spoke because he has no self control. “I’m just gonna keep this I think. You know, a little souvenir for the trip.” Genji #2 vanished into smoke because Genji (regular) said souvenir completely wrong (swo-ven-er).

Moira chortled. “A little entropy.”

“Oopsies,” Reyes whispered metatextually. Then, he remembered one of the Critic’s final weak hits to McCree. “McCree! Are you okay? He brought up the Garfield review!”

Mccree didn’t speak at first. For a moment, Reyes thought that… somehow, some way, Nostalgia had won. Then the cowboy spoke. 

“Look who killed him so I didn’t have to,” McCree said softly.

Reyes chuckled a little, his eyes immediately drawn to the _Orgazmo_ (1997) dir. Trey Parker DVD. “I’ll take this.” He patted McCree’s shoulder in a fatherly way. The funny and quite epic cowboy smiled up at him like a son would. Reyes lifted himself up and tried to collect the rest of the group, leaving McCree to ruminate in what had just happened.

McCree got up cowboyishly, leaving the Garfield figure and the $6.09 that was in Doug’s pockets. “I guess we’re going then, huh? Back on our way home… We killed the Walker… And technically took down the cult. No more Channel Awesome! We are no longer bound by our desire to enter the Gates of Nostalgia! Remember when I was a waiter? Where’s Sombra? Do we have those chips Genji likes? They were foreshadowing somehow. Also-”

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” Moira said Moiraly, totally meaning to interrupt, “But let’s get the hell out of here. We did what we needed to do like 50 pages ago. The longer I’m in Genji’s proximity, the more brain cells I lose.” She quietly pocketed the Garfield figure.

“It’s true!” Genji chortled and started a Broadway rendition of This Day Aria. He stopped after the first word. “Actually I can’t deal with the pressure. I want to go home.”

Reyes briefly recalled his AMV in a cartoon thought bubble before wooshing it away. “Whenever you’re ready, Jesse.”

McCree gave a small smile. “Yeah, let’s go.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCree abke that haters!
> 
> On the bm thn his hand, he their triphelf whe shelf. She said that it woulded Shos tapped his pen on the desk a few times before looking up at McCree. "What ch Mcht about when he first tried to join Overw be hilarious if one day it was haunted by the Walker’s g
> 
> Turning it over iougntly perused thjob or military experience," Reyeelovatcsecree wished it was. His favorite scontents as called Shelfie. Tah right after the cult broke up. 
> 
> "It says here you haventials do you have that woulde and put it on tof his favorite shelf in the Watchpoint, “Shelfie”. The watchpoint was not called She no past   
> h

McCree absently perused the contents of his favorite shelf in the Watchpoint, “Shelfie”. The watchpoint was not called Shelfie although Mccree wished it was. His favorite shelf was called Shelfie. Take that haters!

On the beloved Shelfie was a framed picture of Joey Wheeler, signed “McCree, stop coming to my house! Love, Joey”. As McCree made plans to go bother Joey again, he examined the rest of the trinkets; a bottle of “Genji’s magical Lemonade” from his failed business adventure (it was just yellow sprinkles in a bottle), a dust bunny lovingly sculpted by Ana, a microphone, and a single Garfield figure. He carefully picked up old Garfy. Moira had brought it back from their trip and put it on the shelf. She said that it would be hilarious if one day it was haunted by the Walker’s ghost. No one agreed.

Turning it over in his hand, he thought about when he first tried to join Overwatch right after the cult broke up. 

_"It says here you have no past job or military experience," Reyes tapped his pen on the desk a few times before looking up at McCree. "What credentials do you have that would convince me to take you on?"_

 

_McCree attempted to make eye contact, then settled for looking just past him. It took him a moment to think of a response. His breathing was shaky as he exhaled. "I can shoot a gun," he said, resisting the urge to glance towards the door. There's no reason to be scared now- something like this could turn his life around._

 

_"Sure, anyone can-"_

 

_"I can shoot a gun_ well _," McCree clarified, only to realize he sounded forceful. He cleared his throat and looked down at the floor. It was quiet for a moment, then Reyes sighed and rose from his seat._

 

_"Where'd you come here from?" His tone wasn't angry or disapproving- McCree wondered when exactly that had become foreign. He didn't answer. Reyes considered him for a moment and shrugged. "Show me how good you are then. Maybe I'll have to sign you to Blackwatch instead."_

 

_"Blackwatch, sir?"_

 

_He laughed and rounded the desk to open the door. "I just have a feeling."_

He huffed and brought the figure over to the trash, quickly throwing it away. After all, what use did he have for nostalgia when the present was so much more rewarding?

“McCree, you gotta see this!” Genji called from the other room. “Reinhardt totally just got epically pranked trying to put Jack back together! Haw haw!”

There was no need to linger anymore. “Coming!”


End file.
